Tag: Falcon Boy
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Normally, we would look for parallels of Ellis’s experiences with those of Pearly Stockwell, but on this occasion, the child detective’s adventures haven’t yet caused her to stare Death directly in the face.
Pearly is an orphan, as the captions say at the start of every adventure, but her parents died when she was three weeks old and so she never knew them. Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly, depending on how much regard you hold the various writers of the Pearly Stockwell series in, nothing else is ever said about her parents and aside from the fact of her inheritance, this aspect of Pearly is never ever explored. (This may well change, of course, as the editorial team responsible for the Pearly Stockwell series tend to have a very high turnover and the franchise is in continual need of reinvention).
Those of you who have read the series for yourselves will know that the writers tend to prefer to keep people alive for what often seem like solely spiteful reasons, and many is the time that you find yourself thinking that perhaps the death of a particular character would prevent them from having to face the kind of humiliation that a gifted but fictional child detective is always capable of dishing out.
Anyway, on with the sadness.
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Ellis had started to cry. How could she not? Everything was ruined now, and all of the braveness she had been feeling now left her all at once. Her tears were large and heavy and salty. They fell from her face like the sprinklings for the saddest cake ever baked.
I think I’m going to start crying as well in a minute.
Ellis wanted her Mum. She wanted her Dad. Ellis wanted everything to be exactly how it had been before she set off to rescue Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird. She didn’t want to be standing backstage at a Doodah concert, staring at a large pile of rubble with a dead superhero beneath it.
There were many things that Ellis didn’t know, but the one thing I think she was pretty sure about right now, is that she really didn’t want to know anything about people she knows dying.
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Okay, so I’m losing the run of myself here, but Falcon Boy’s demise really is a huge loss to the world. Or at least the world I’ve created. If not the world, then at least the story because, if you think about it, what am I going to do now?With Falcon Boy now dead, then so dies the story as well. How can I possibly be writing a book called Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for All the Life of all the Planets when we no longer have a Falcon Boy?
I’m sorry if this is disappointing. You have read the story this far with what, I can only imagine, must have been a great deal of patience, persistence and perseverance.
I’m also guessing the journey has not been an easy one, what with the more than occasional lapses in sentence construction, not to mention some of the far greater crimes committed with narrative construction and the over-liberal use of coincidence for the sake of convenience.
How do you think I feel? Perhaps we would have been better off with Bewilder Bird as the lead character. He’s bigger and stronger than Falcon Boy and as we have just seen, hasn’t died in the battle with the Troublebot. To think that I have wasted two years of my life putting this story together, only to find that the central character isn’t strong enough to survive.
What am I going to do about the other two books I am planning? I already have the first drafts of those complete. I really don’t have the heart to begin all over again with another superhero and another friend and another villain with another evil plan and another resourceful child saving another foolish world from more total and utter destruction.
You were probably even beginning to think that Falcon Boy and his friends were going to successfully thwart the evil plans of Dr Don’t Know. It doesn’t matter now, as Falcon Boy’s careless use of a drum stool as a weapon had caused an enormous explosion, which buried him and the Troublebot he was fighting beneath a huge pile of broken masonry, flight cases, ceiling and other general bits of broken backstage stuff.
One of the Troublebot’s badly-designed legs was sticking out of the rubble and, were you able to focus on anything other than the complete and utter tragedy of the situation, you would probably remark upon the fact that, from a design perspective, the explosion had somewhat improved the ergonomic line of the robot’s leg.
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It’s over. End. Of. The. Road. The Line. The Story. The Trilogy. The Film. Action Figure. Lunch Box. Duvet Cover. Video Game. Fast Food Endorsements. Chat Shows. Award Ceremonies. The. End. Of. All. Things. Ever. Falcon Boy is no more.
He is gone. Missing in action. Vanished in a puff of grimy, oily smoke. Consumed by a conflagration. Farewell Clayton Candlegrease. Au revoir to the small man with the big dreams. Adios to the hairy top lip. We will never now see that moustache in full bloom. Goodbye. Thanks for everything. And nothing (really). It truly has been emotional.O, most-lamented hero of the super kind. Your type will never be known again. You, who were the rarest and most noblest of breeds. Gone before your time. Because the soles of your boots were not rubber.
His family will be getting a telegram. A phone call. An email. A headline in the local newspaper. A mention on the news. I can picture Juniper Jarvis now.
‘Hi everyone, my name is Juniper Jarvis and I’m reporting live for 123 Celebrity News.’
She turns so that the stadium is behind her.
‘The big news today is the death of that much-loved superhero Falcon Boy, who sacrificed himself to save the lives of his friends, Ellis and Bewilder Bird, and by doing so also saved the whole planet as well.’ Juniper turns to Bewilder Bird who is standing next to her.
‘I am joined by Bewilder Bird, who was there when his friend and co-hero passed away.’
Juniper has to hold the microphone higher than usual because Bewilder Bird is so tall. She smiles.
‘So, Bewilder Bird. Perhaps you could tell us what happened?’
Bewilder Bird doesn’t answer.
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The Troublebot stopped struggling and started short-circuiting instead. Bewilder Bird leapt up as the mortally wounded man-like machine twitched and smoked and arced on the floor. Luckily for him, the one good thing about his useless boots was the fact that they were rubber-soled. Otherwise things might have gone far worse than anyone would have liked.Falcon Boy, on the other hand, was not so lucky. His boots had some kind of artificial soles and Falcon Boy now found himself fused to the dying Troublebot.
‘Falcon Boy!’ screamed Ellis. ‘You’ve got to let go! It’s going to explode!’ And she was right. The Troublebot was about to explode.
‘I can’t,’ squealed the superhero. ‘I can’t let go.’ The electrical charge that powered the Troublebot had shorted up through the metal leg of the drum stool and Falcon Boy’s hands were now stuck fast. Oblivious to all this panic and consternation, the Troublebot went about dying in a noisy and sparky way.
‘Jumping Jupiter!’ screamed Falcon Boy as the Troublebot exploded in a horrendous flash of thick, oily, sparky smoke.
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Ellis opened her eyes to see Falcon Boy crown the Troublebot with a drum stool he had conveniently found. With a glorious THWAAKKKK! the stool connected with the Troublebot’s forehead and down went the poorly-made metal imitation of a man. Bewilder Bird was right behind his feathered friend holding a cymbal stand.‘Take that, you badly-soldered brute!’ shouted Falcon Boy as he went at the Troublebot with the drum stool. ‘No one threatens anyone around here unless it is us doing the threatening!’ Bewilder Bird nodded his head in total agreement and joined in with the cymbal stand.
CLANG! CRASH! KAPOW!!!!!!!!!
‘The grille!’ shouted Falcon Boy. ‘You’ve got to open their grille. You can only stop a Troublebot by opening the grille on its chest and jamming their workings.’
How on earth does Falcon Boy know this? With everything happening right now, I haven’t got time to tell you but if I get a chance, I will tell you later. If I don’t get a chance, then maybe you can decide for yourselves how Falcon Boy came by this information.
Bewilder Bird dropped the cymbal stand, threw himself on top of the Troublebot and started wrestling with it. Troublebots are pretty strong, but are not at their best when laying flat on their back. Battling with one arm to stop the flailing Troublebot from dislodging him, Bewilder Bird eventually managed to pry open the grille.
Falcon Boy approached the Troublebot with his drum stool. With a shrug and a shove, and also a very real disregard for his own personal safety, Falcon Boy rammed the metal leg of the stool into the Troublebot’s inner workings. A shower of sparks erupted from the Troublebot’s chest and soared into the air like a fancy firework.
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The Troublebot took another step closer and Ellis started to feel very frightened. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine what Pearly Stockwell would do in a situation like this.Sadly, however, the writers of Pearly Stockwell hadn’t yet got around to pitching her and her detective friends against evil robots disguised as backing dancers so Ellis had no real frame of reference for the situation she now found herself in.
Ellis knew she was in trouble but she didn’t know that she was confronting a Troublebot. How could she? She had never been told about them. She also didn’t know that this Troublebot was one of the three sent by Dr Don’t Know to stop her. Again, how could she know this? All Ellis knew is that the ugly-looking robot lumbering towards was very badly made and extremely angry-looking.
The Troublebot stopped right in front of her and bent down. Its face was so close to Ellis that she could hear the computer in its head whirring and slipping. Both of its eyes clicked independently as they struggled to focus. Troublebots don’t breathe but if they did, then this one’s breath would be thick and foul and oily and get caught in Ellis’s nostrils.
‘Bash you now,’ said the Troublebot in a low voice that sounded something like either a hoarse whisper or a long-distance telephone call. ‘Bash you all to bits now.’
Just out of sight, Ellis could hear a grinding sound as the Troublebot started to sort through the attachments on its hand to find the most suitable one for bashing.
Ellis gulped, and I have to say that things don’t look too good here. The Troublebot took a rusty step back to give itself more room and as it did so, Ellis closed her eyes. The Troublebot lifted an arm but just as it was about to strike, Ellis heard someone shout ‘Jumping Jupiter, we’ll have none of that nonsense round here!’
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‘Are you alright?’ Ellis asked. The unicorn looked slightly lost and confused. ‘Do you need some help with that zip?’ The unicorn didn’t answer. It was tugging frantically. Ellis thought there was a very faint whiff of oil in the air. ‘Please let me help,’ said Ellis. ‘I’m very good with zips. My Mum lets me help her with hers all the time.’
The unicorn shook its head and kept tugging.
‘Come on,’ said Ellis. ‘I promise I won’t rip your outfit.’ The unicorn shook its head again. Ellis stretched out her hand to try and help free the zip.
‘Don’t be frightened,’ said Ellis. ‘I’m only trying to help.’
The trapped unicorn flinched and managed to free itself from the cargo net but in doing so, also managed to hurl itself backwards and crash into the conveniently abandoned drum kit. The sound of the crash was horrendous and, in case you hadn’t already guessed, suspiciously metallic in its clang.
CCCCLLLLLAAAAAAANNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!
‘Help!’ shouted Ellis to anyone who would listen. ‘I think I’ve found something important.’
‘Bash you,’ said a metallic voice from inside the unicorn’s head. ‘Bash you into tiny painful pieces.’
The Troublebot – for anyone who still hasn’t worked it out – struggled to its feet and as it did so, Ellis tried to move away, only to find that she was now suddenly, and inconveniently for her but conveniently for me, stuck in the narrow space between two large flight cases. She was trapped and as the metal menace took a clumsy step towards her, Ellis could now really smell the oil.
‘Help!’ she shouted. ‘Somebody help me!’
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Pearly Breaks a Leg ends with Octavio Octavious leaving town due to a lack of interest in setting up the Fallstown Players.
‘We have enough drama already,’ said Captain McAndrew dramatically, ‘without someone deliberately creating more.’
‘But,’ as Pearly tells the police when they arrive at Octavio’s recently-vacated flat, ‘at least it means that we can all relax, secure in the knowledge that the Fallstown Players was not going to be used as a possible front for a criminal gang of actors and actresses intent on maybe causing artistic chaos with their dramatic ways. You can never be too careful.’Pearly pauses dramatically.
‘It also means that Windy didn’t run all that way to warn you for no reason.’ Pearly smiles her pearly smile and exits stage left. The out-of-breath policemen nod as they turn to head back down the hill again. As they pass Windy, both policemen pat his head with an equal parts mixture of affection and annoyance.
The final caption for this particularly uninspired and muddled episode of the Pearly Stockwell series cryptically declares:
A prevented crime is a better crime than a crime solved, because a crime solved means a crime was committed in the first place and therefore wasn’t prevented.
Ellis had puzzled over this cryptic bit of strangled prose ever since she first read it.
‘So to prevent a crime, I need to find a crime and prevent it before it becomes a crime,’ puzzled Ellis as she wandered backstage looking for a crime to prevent before it became a crime.
When wrestling with complexities of this kind and deep in puzzling thought, it can sometimes be hard to see where you are going, and so it was that Ellis bumped into something. The something she bumped into was very solid and very metal and it very hurt her arm.
‘Oww!’ she exclaimed, looking up to find that she had bumped into one of Doodah’s dancers caught by a zip in a cargo net.
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BARNABY TAYLOR 