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Towards the end of Pearly Stockwell and the Fate of the Fête, the good people of Fallstown are locked in an unhappy debate about who is really responsible for the disappearance of the refreshments tent so kindly donated by the Fallstown Mothers’ Union.
‘I was really looking forward to one of those scones,’ says Captain Andrew McAndrew, Founder, President, Secretary and Treasurer of the Fallstown Fellows, and it isn’t long before everyone starts arguing.
Pearly is very concerned. Wanderley had disguised himself as the man who ran the coconut shy but so far he has nothing to report. Wes is waiting for someone to need a hard shove or perhaps a punch. Windy is standing by, ready to run really fast.‘We are not going to get anywhere like this,’ Pearly says to herself. ‘I need to do something and quick.’ So she stands on a chair and shouts ‘Shut Up’ at the top of her voice.
Now, whether it was the volume or the rudeness and for some people it probably was both, Pearly’s shouting has the desired effect and it eventually leads to the unmasking of Lady Sago Hargreaves as the villainess.
It doesn’t take long for Pearly to realise that Lady Hargreaves isn’t actually a lady at all, in either sense of the word. ‘She’ is, in fact, a certain Lenny Lonaghan who, following a very little bit of detective work and a very lot of simply listening at keyholes, is, in the words of Captain McAndrew, a ‘blasted chancer’ who thought that he could ‘get in with’ Fallstown’s polite society with a view to then possibly stealing things from people’s homes or, if that wasn’t possible, at least break a few things when no one was looking.
Thwarted in his plans of getting in with the ‘proper’ people of Fallstown when he discovers that nobody is friendly enough to invite him to their houses, Lenny decides to take his revenge at the annual Fallstown Fête by burning down the refreshment tent and all it contains.
‘They were other people’s cakes,’ says Pearly sternly, wagging her finger at the defrocked arsonist as Wes holds him in a vicious-looking headlock and Windy comes running back up the hill with the police puffing and panting behind him.
Ellis had always thought that when the time came, she would stand on a chair and shout really loud to get people’s attention. As she had already discovered to her cost, it doesn’t work at home but as you can see here, when done in the right place it can be extremely effective.
He will be thrilled if you follow him on Twitter! Falcon Boy @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelesshero
For all the latest breaking news why not follow the Rebel Robot MCs? @RebelRobotMCs
Doodah love you and want you to follow them on Twitter @deirdredoodah
She couldn’t care less if you follow her on Twitter! Pearly Stockwell @PearlyStockwell
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‘Who are you and what do you want?’ she demanded haughtily. ‘We are Doodah and we don’t have time for our fans just now.’
Deirdre considered smiling but couldn’t quite manage it. The best she could do was not growl.
‘Could you please all leave straight away?’ she said through gritted teeth. ‘If you are really lucky, then maybe one day you might be fortunate enough to win a competition to meet one of our assistants. Until then, I must ask you all to please go away now before I have you removed.’‘But…’ said Falcon Boy, despite everything that had just been said and the look of real hatred dawning on Deirdre’s face.
‘Leave…’ said Deirdre, her hackle well and truly up now.
‘Please…’ pleaded Falcon Boy pleadingly, and here we now find ourselves in a very difficult situation.
It is one thing to admire someone for something, as perhaps we are admiring Falcon Boy here for behaving himself in the face of such obvious and stupid ruditity. However, the question of admiration becomes slightly complicated when you realise that the someone you thought was to be admired is now beginning to sound desperate.
No one likes to hear the sound of desperation in someone’s voice, especially if that someone is a superhero. It sends out the wrong message.
‘Now!’ shouted Deirdre, and any pretence she might have been struggling to maintain regarding her true feelings had now gone, replaced by a brazen, tooth-bared, person-hating hostility.
‘You…’ choked Falcon Boy.
‘Bye.’
‘Dr…’
‘Don’t!’
‘No!!!’
Ellis had listened to this exchange for long enough and found herself getting very angry as well. Some of Ellis’s anger was the normal, ordinary anger that anyone would feel when witnessing such out and out bad manners from someone who really should know a lot better. However, the main source of Ellis’s anger here was from the complete and utter stupidity of the situation.
Though she didn’t really need to, Ellis decided to stand on a chair before clearing her throat and shouting louder than she had ever shouted before.
‘Stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at her.
He will be thrilled if you follow him on Twitter! Falcon Boy @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelessheroFor all the latest breaking news why not follow the Rebel Robot MCs? @RebelRobotMCsDoodah love you and want you to follow them on Twitter @deirdredoodahShe couldn’t care less if you follow her on Twitter! Pearly Stockwell @PearlyStockwellIf universal destruction is more like your business then why not follow Dr Don’t Know on Twitter @drdontknowShare this:
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Doodah were relaxing backstage in their dressing room when the door burst open and Ellis, Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird rushed inside.
‘Attention all colleagues and bystanders,’ gushed Falcon Boy, with his chest puffed out and his gauntlets placed firmly on his hips, ‘we are Panic Town’s favourite superheroes, here to save you all from being unwitting pawns in a horrendously evil plan formulated by that master of menace, Dr Don’t Know. I have reason to believe that he is planning to use your concert as the excuse for committing some terrible crime.’Davey Doodah looked down from his stilts.
‘Pardon?’ he said in that annoying way that some people have of pretending they didn’t hear what you said, when everyone knows that they did and are only saying this be annoying. Falcon Boy didn’t understand.
‘I mean that we are here to be the ones who help by stopping you…’
‘Are you?’ interrupted Davey. The same principle as before also applies to this phrase.
‘Yes, I am Falcon Boy and…’
‘You are,’ said Davey annoyingly again, with the emphasis on the ‘are’, enjoying the game he was playing.
Falcon Boy was ready to speak again when Deirdre angrily interrupted him.
‘I specifically requested that all backing dancers be dressed as tie-dye unicorns for the opening number,’ she huffed angrily. ‘I said nothing about scruffy masks, tattered capes and annoying-looking children.’
I couldn’t tell you who the most irritating member of the most irritating band in the universe is, but there are times when you need look no further than Deirdre Doodah for your answer.
He will be thrilled if you follow him on Twitter! Falcon Boy @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelessheroFor all the latest breaking news why not follow the Rebel Robot MCs? @RebelRobotMCsDoodah love you and want you to follow them on Twitter @deirdredoodahShe couldn’t care less if you follow her on Twitter! Pearly Stockwell @PearlyStockwellIf universal destruction is more like your business then why not follow Dr Don’t Know on Twitter @drdontknowShare this:
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As if the excitement wasn’t already more than enough, for their grand finale, Doodah will be sucked upwards into a mini candy-floss whirlwind and vanish from the stage to be replaced by radio-controlled miniature versions of themselves dressed as space pirates.
Like true artists and designers everywhere, Deirdre was very specific with her team.‘It is the tiny details that can make or break a show,’ she reminded them. ‘So pay attention.’
‘I want wooden legs made of metal,’ she continued, ‘and pirate eye-patches complete with miniature windscreen wipers.’ Deirdre’s team nodded, some more enthusiastically than others.
‘Finally,’ she said finally, ‘I want the parrots on our shoulders to look like disco cockatoos.’
A series of mirrors and lenses will make these miniature versions of Doodah appear full size to the audience. The real Doodah will be backstage operating their miniature avatars by radio control.
Finally, just as the opening bars of One-Thumb, Two-Thumb Good begin, Doodah are going to be fired back onto the stage by four cannons made to look like the claws of an enormous bear.
This is really going to be some kind of show.
He will be thrilled if you follow him on Twitter! Falcon Boy @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelessheroFor all the latest breaking news why not follow the Rebel Robot MCs? @RebelRobotMCsDoodah love you and want you to follow them on Twitter @deirdredoodahShe couldn’t care less if you follow her on Twitter! Pearly Stockwell @PearlyStockwellIf universal destruction is more like your business then why not follow Dr Don’t Know on Twitter @drdontknowShare this:
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Imagine trying to sing the chorus to Loving Us, Loving You whilst bouncing around on a pogo stick. In fact, just imagine trying to sing the chorus to Loving Us, Loving You. It goes like this:
We’re loving us loving you
We’re loving giving what we do
To you
When we’re loving what we’re giving
That’s when we know you’re really living
Because
We’re loving us loving you
We’re loving giving what we do
To you
And when the night is lonely
and your poor life just keeps getting poorer
Just think of us
And you will adore
What we do
When
We’re loving us loving you
We’re loving giving what we do
To you
We’re loving us loving you
We’re loving giving what we do
To you
When we’re loving what we’re giving
That’s when we know you’re really living
Because
We’re loving us loving you
We’re loving giving what we do
To you…
See what I mean? I don’t know about you, but if I ever meet the person responsible for writing these lyrics, I am going to find it very hard not to say something extremely rude to them.
He will be thrilled if you follow him on Twitter! Falcon Boy @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelessheroFor all the latest breaking news why not follow the Rebel Robot MCs? @RebelRobotMCsDoodah love you and want you to follow them on Twitter @deirdredoodahShe couldn’t care less if you follow her on Twitter! Pearly Stockwell @PearlyStockwellIf universal destruction is more like your business then why not follow Dr Don’t Know on Twitter @drdontknowShare this:
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To ensure smooth continuity, Doodah will already be wearing their next costume change underneath their scarecrow outfits and as the lights dim in the build up to the Loving Us, Loving You medley, Doodah will reappear as tin foil monkeys complete with fuse wire fur and pogo sticks for tails.
Deirdre had planned for Doodah to bounce across the stage in the same pattern that a bee makes when it is collecting pollen. As they do so, their long-suffering backing dancers, now dressed as funky toadstools complete with pink polythene mushroom caps and grass-coloured clogs, will complete the spectacle by hurling scoopfuls of rubber honey into the audience.He will be thrilled if you follow him on Twitter! Falcon Boy @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelessheroFor all the latest breaking news why not follow the Rebel Robot MCs? @RebelRobotMCsDoodah love you and want you to follow them on Twitter @deirdredoodahShe couldn’t care less if you follow her on Twitter! Pearly Stockwell @PearlyStockwellIf universal destruction is more like your business then why not follow Dr Don’t Know on Twitter @drdontknowShare this:
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Even though she wouldn’t be too sure of the word itself, Deirdre was supremely confident that she had designed the best stage costumes ever.
Doodah will start the show dressed as electric scarecrows on stilts. The straw sticking out of their sleeves and hats will pulse different fluorescent colours in time to the music.Doodah’s sixteen backing dancers will be dressed as tie-dye unicorns complete with horns that spin and fire thick blue laser beams into the night sky. These laser beams will interact to wondrous kaleidoscopic effect with the trillions of metallic snowflakes that will be dropped onto the concert by an armada of low-flying heavy bombers, leased by the record company especially for the purpose.
To prevent any unfortunate incidents, Panic Town and its immediate vicinity had been designated as a no-fly zone for the next three and a half hours and all aircraft had been re-routed. Squadrons of employees from the Panic Town Zoo have spent the last two months relocating indigenous sea birds in preparation for the concert.
He will be thrilled if you follow him on Twitter! Falcon Boy @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelessheroFor all the latest breaking news why not follow the Rebel Robot MCs? @RebelRobotMCsDoodah love you and want you to follow them on Twitter @deirdredoodahShe couldn’t care less if you follow her on Twitter! Pearly Stockwell @PearlyStockwellIf universal destruction is more like your business then why not follow Dr Don’t Know on Twitter @drdontknowShare this:
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If this wasn’t enough, and clearly it is, this same contract also prevents me from telling you anything about what they might or might not be wearing (even though, for example, I also know that they have just signed an exclusive outfitting contract with OneStripe Sportswear™).
Nor, for fear of full and fearsome legal action, the kind that could likely bankrupt a small nation, am I allowed to give you any indication of what tracks they are performing, whether they have any new material or, indeed, whether or not they are planning to spontaneously ad lib over any breaks that they might or might not include in their set.Also, I cannot say anything about any aspect of the lighting, dancing, catering, or whether or not they are pleased with the way that their musical career has turned out.
I’m sorry but under the terms imposed by Fuzzy Cola© Corporation, I am only allowed to write the following approved paragraph.
‘Good evening Panic Town,’ said Nuclear Boy, DJ Slo-Mo and R-Man together. ‘We are the Rebel Robot MCs …’
So, anyway, and in order that nothing I say, do or write will further incur the wrath of the Fuzzy Cola© Corporation’s lawyers, let’s focus on Doodah and see how they are getting on.
He will be thrilled if you follow him on Twitter! Falcon Boy @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelessheroFor all the latest breaking news why not follow the Rebel Robot MCs? @RebelRobotMCsShe couldn’t care less if you follow her on Twitter! Pearly Stockwell @PearlyStockwellIf universal destruction is more like your business then why not follow Dr Don’t Know on Twitter @drdontknowShare this:
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Backstage, Doodah were busy preparing for their homecoming concert. They were due on stage at eight o’clock, following the support act, the Rebel Robot MCs, who were on stage even as we speak. And here is one of the biggest problems I have had with the telling of this story.
I really, really, really love the Rebel Robot MCs. Or Dalton Akimbo, Burlington Turner and Pascoe Wellesley as they are known to their friends, family and uber-fans like me.I love their raps and their rhymes. I adore their beats and their breaks. I truly believe that they can already take their place alongside real legends like Reddy Freddie and the Go Getters, L’il Little, DJ Soporific, the Rhyme and Reason Riddim Wranglers, and not forgetting Kaptin Kreu-Ton.
The Doodah support slot is a massive coup for the Rebel Robot MCs and ideally, I would be extolling you all with tales of how they are getting down and getting on with their latest breakiological beatapollooza.
Unfortunately however, for legally binding contractual reasons related to their having been recently snapped up by the Fuzzy Cola© Corporation, I am only allowed to tell you about the first 5 seconds of their performance.
This is because, as I have been reliably informed by the Fuzzy Cola© Corporation’s top legal experts, the rights to all the present, past and future performances relating to the Rebel Robot MCs:
‘whether real or imagined; recorded, described, discussed, considered, imagineered or in any other way, shape or form made to seem real or partially real to one or more person; commented upon, reviewed, articulated and/or in any other way captured or in any way placed within the popular and/or any other variation of that mental state known as imagination’ now belong to the Fuzzy Cola© Corporation ‘in perpetuity ad infinitum and forever more.’
He will be thrilled if you follow him on Twitter! Falcon Boy @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelessheroFor all the latest breaking news why not follow the Rebel Robot MCs? @RebelRobotMCsShe couldn’t care less if you follow her on Twitter! Pearly Stockwell @PearlyStockwellIf universal destruction is more like your business then why not follow Dr Don’t Know on Twitter @drdontknowShare this:
‘Do we?’ sniggered Davey. ‘Really big jobs?’ Donny sniggered as well.
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BARNABY TAYLOR 