Category: Falcon Boy
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Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 11
The Rebel Robot MCs
The Rebel Robot MCs are three young rappers, B-boys and DJs called Nuclear Boy, DJ Slo-Mo and R-Man. With rhymes as hot as
We’re gonna ROCK, gonna BLOW our TOP
And for the likes of you WE’LL NEVER STOP
Gonna lay down the law for the HERE AND NOW
And your only care is WHO? not HOW?
We’re not old enough to drive a car but
YOU need to know how REAL we ARE
and beats to match it is easy to see why the Rebel Robot MCs are Panic Town’s favourite hip hop crew.
The Rebel Robot MCs hit the big time with their rebooted version of the old Amy and the Aminals (sic) soul stomper Party Line. Released on the very obscure White Crown record label in 1966, there were only 50 copies of the original single printed and a pristine copy is now worth enough to purchase a small house in the poshest part of Panic Town.
The video that accompanies the Rebel Robot MC’s version really takes off just at the part where Nuclear Boy and R-Man rap the chorus with six dolls dressed as alligators while DJ Slo-Mo uses a wonky bicycle wheel as her turntable.
CH … CH …CH … Check it out
Take your time
Call us NOW on the party line
We’re here for YOU
And you’re there for US
So check it out now
DON’T MAKE NO FUSS
I’m Nuclear Boy and I’m in the house
Hear my big town roar
Ain’t no country mouse
DJ Slo-Mo is her NAME
She’s here to STAY
She got everlasting FAME
R-Man says clap your hands
Don’t bury your head deep in the SAND
Say R-Man,
What’s your plan?
WHAT YOU GONNA SAY TO THE MAN?
Say R-Man
What’s your plan?
WHAT YOU GONNA SAY TO THE BIG BAD MAN?
Within three hours of the track’s release the fortunes of the three MCs changed forever when Party Line was adopted by the Fuzzy Cola™ Corporation as the soundtrack to their next television advertisement.
Some people were inevitably upset by what they saw as the usual selling-out by struggling artists who are given a glimpse of the big time, but others applauded the sentiment as DJ Slo-Mo memorably rapped a response to their critics on the band’s follow-up track Party Line II (I’m Doing Extra Fine).
Not selling, we’re reaching OUT,
And we’re telling you WITHOUT A DOUBT,
Our aim is TRUE and our hands are CLEAN,
We don’t get our kicks from NO DRINKS MACHINE,
They say we do, WE SAY WE DON’T,
THEY WANT US TO, BUT YOU KNOW WE WON’T
For many of their other fans, including Ellis and her classmates, any possible fears of whether or not an artist’s creativity would be consumed by corporate conformity were largely ignored in favour of the cuddly robot costumes the Rebel Robot MCs wore in the next Fuzzy Cola© television advert once the corporation bought the rights to the band in perpetuity.
You can also follow Falcon Boy on Twitter @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelesshero
For all their latest adventures why not follow the rebel|robot|mcs on Twitter @rebelrobotmcs and Soundcloud
For the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.Share this:
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Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 10
‘Ellis is an ordinary girl’
Ellis likes to do ordinary things like riding her bike, dancing, eating pasta, watching television, dressing up, baking cakes, reading, drawing, writing stories, pretending, asking questions and playing the piano.
She loves games of all kinds: board games, video games, fun games, silly games, invented games, games with dolls, with puppets, with bats and balls, with words, with mimes, music, silence, with guesses and riddles and made-up words.
But what does Ellis look like?
Is she tall with blonde hair? Freckles and a ponytail? A bob and a baseball cap? A big toothy grin? Shy in a velvet dress? Laughing as she is dressed as a pirate? Bright blue eyes full of tears when a clap of thunder makes her scared?
I know what she looks like in my mind but my mind is different to your mind. What do you think she looks like? As Ellis will tell you herself, if you ever get the chance to ask her, the best parts of any story are the parts you add yourself.
You have the words that are written. You have the gaps between the words. Your job is to fill these gaps with your imagination.
For example, I have just told you who Ellis is. I have also told you what she likes doing. But I haven’t told you what she looks like. That is your job.
Ellis also really enjoys listening to listen to music and stories on her generic MP3 player. Here is what she is currently listening to:
You can also follow Falcon Boy on Twitter @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelessheroFor the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.Share this:
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Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 9
‘Ladies and Gentlemen, the Infamous Moon Rope’ Part 5
Meanwhile, in another kitchen in another house in another part of Panic Town, Captain Lorimer also sat and worried. She hadn’t enjoyed breaking the news to the Mayor and she had seen how worried the news had made him. But what could she do? It was her job and she had to do it to the best of her ability.
It hadn’t been easy for Lori Lorimer to rise up through the ranks of the Police Force to her current position. It had taken years of dedication and sacrifice and Lori had had to dispense with anything that threatened to complicate her career trajectory. After years of overlooking romantic possibilities and keeping her family commitments to the very minimum, Lori was now afraid that all those years of directing traffic, recovering stolen cats and cautioning small children, not to mention the hours and hours of revising for exam after exam after exam, would count for nothing when faced with such a global disaster.
‘Then what will I do?’ she asked herself. ‘I can’t just go back to patrolling in uniform again, pounding the beat on the unforgiving streets, because if Dr Don’t Know gets his evil way, there will be no beat to pound and no streets to patrol nor any uniforms to put back on to patrol them with.’
There was no sleep for many people that night.
You can also follow Falcon Boy on Twitter @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelessheroFor the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.Share this:
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Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 9
‘Ladies and Gentlemen, the Infamous Moon Rope’ Part 4
Mayor Denver Footswerve cleared his throat before he spoke. He thought this made him sound more mayoral.
‘I think I speak for all of us here when I say how pleased we are to have your best minds working on our behalf, Captain Lorimer.’ The Mayor paused and I am beginning to wonder whether pausing is as contagious a social habit as yawning.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I am aware that we are all aware of just precarious the situation sounds but I can’t help wondering, from a Public Relations perspective, whether it will in any way be possible to temper bad news of this magnitude with some good news, no matter how small that good news might be?’
The Mayor looked at Captain Lorimer and she could see panic in his eyes. Being mayor was the only thing he had ever wanted and now it looked like someone was going to go and spoil it before he had the chance to enjoy it.
There was no good news.
‘There was no good news,’ Mayor Footswerve said later to his wife, Peculia, as he ate his tea. ‘People are going to start blaming me if the world ends while I am in office.’ Mayor Footswerve pushed the peas around his plate.
‘They already blame me for everything already and I have only just been elected. I can’t imagine how Panic Town will react if something cataclysmic and world-ending happens while I am Mayor.’
Peculia could find no words to comfort her troubled husband.
You can also follow Falcon Boy on Twitter @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelessheroFor the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.Share this:
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Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 9
‘Ladies and Gentlemen, the Infamous Moon Rope’ Part 3
On the screen was an artist’s impression of what the mythical Moon Rope might look like. The audience saw two circles representing the Earth and the Moon with a line joining them. Captain Lorimer traced the line with her laser pointer.
‘From what my best minds can so far deduce, the Moon Rope will allow Dr Don’t Know to create an elaborate pulley system connecting the Earth to the Moon.’
‘Why would anyone do anything like this?’ asked Mayor Footswerve anxiously.
Captain Lorimer shuffled her notes nervously.
‘We are not sure why, your Honour,’ she told the Mayor, ‘but all our agents are telling us that their best intelligence is telling them that this is not going to be a good thing.’
Gasps echoed around the room as Captain Lorimer concluded her presentation by predicting that the Moon Rope would likely cause untold electrical disruption. It would also prevent anyone on the entire planet from ever knowing the right time ever again.
‘I’m afraid it doesn’t look good at the moment,’ she told her gasping audience. ‘This Moon Rope could well mean the end of the world for all of us.’
You can also follow Falcon Boy on Twitter @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelessheroFor the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.Share this:
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Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 9
‘Ladies and Gentlemen, the Infamous Moon Rope’ Part 2
Adzel Circumference was getting ready to go home after working a night shift on the Panic Town taxi rank when a final fare jumped in the back and asked to be taken to the station. The journey was a really short one but was still long enough for the passenger to tell Adzel that governments elsewhere were planning to encase Panic Town in a giant plastic dome.
‘Not only will this contain the situation and prevent it from escalating,’ said the passenger to the wide-eyed taxi driver, ‘it will also allow them to fill the dome full of crowd control foam if they need to.’
Despite being exhausted after a hard night’s driving, Adzel found it hard to sleep that morning.
Captain Lori Lorimer of the Panic Town Police Force briefed a panel of Panic Town’s finest notables including, most notably, Councillor Denver Footswerve, the current Mayor. As she nervously scrolled through the slides of her presentation, Captain Lorimer told the noted notables that she had her best minds working on the case.
‘I have my best people working on this one,’ she tried to reassure those gathered. ‘A crack unit, comprised of the finest minds mined from the department.’ She paused, hoping that the pause sounded reassuring.
‘I don’t mind telling you,’ Captain Lorimer continued, ‘that to my mind these minds are some of the finest minds that anyone has ever been minded to assemble.’
She changed the slide of her presentation and aimed her laser pointer at the screen.
‘Our early intelligence is very sketchy but from what we can gather it is only a matter of days before Dr Don’t Know is ready to launch his Moon Rope.’
Captain Lorimer paused again.
For the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.Share this:
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Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 9
‘Ladies and Gentlemen, the Infamous Moon Rope’ Part 1
Everyone knew that Dr Don’t Know had captured Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird and was holding them captive somewhere secret. It was all people could talk about. If you hadn’t seen it on the television, heard about it on the radio or guessed it from the pages of the free newspapers that littered the streets and gathered around your ankles whenever the wind picked up, then you could pretty much guarantee that you would find out everything you needed to know just by walking down the street.
Mr and Mrs Leary Holdtight were standing at the bus stop after a morning in the Panic Town Shopping Centre when they were told by someone else in the queue – who has since requested anonymity – that Dr Don’t Know was planning to steal all the trees in the world and burn them in a giant pile, whilst roasting hot dogs on metal skewers made from real live barking dogs.
Old Mrs Quigley, Panic Town’s finest (and only) elderly lollipop lady, told three children from Panic Town Primary School that Dr Don’t Know was going to drain all the oceans everywhere with a giant sucking machine and then squirt the water wherever he wanted, ‘most probably,’ she told the wide-eyed innocents, ‘at aeroplanes and on fairgrounds and carnivals.’ They all gasped.
‘Then there will be trouble,’ Mrs Quigley concluded knowledgeably, tapping her nose with her Stop sign. ‘There will be more trouble than you could shake a large shakeable stick at.’
The three children were far too intimidated by the elderly lollipop lady to ask what would happen to all the fish.
For the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.Share this:
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Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 8
www.worldsworstsuperheroes.com Part 2
Last year’s winner of the World’s Worst Superhero Award was the wonderfully named Oily Rag. Known as Cleary Onetime to his family and to the Tax Office, Oily Rag is a diminutive out-of-work mechanic intent on fighting crime whilst wearing an oil-smeared boiler suit and wielding a very heavy rusty spanner.
‘Something needs to be done by someone to stop someone doing something to someone else,’ he said confusingly to anyone who would listen. ‘And that someone needing to do something will be me,’ he announced when interviewed by his local newspaper.
Leaving for his first (and last) night’s patrol, and shadowed by the local press, Oily Rag barely made out of his house before dropping the spanner on his sandalled-toe.
Oily had reckoned on his first night’s patrol being a gentle one that was more for show than anything else. It was also the middle of summer so Oily Rag chose not to wear his heavy steel-toed work boots.
In itself, an accident of this kind isn’t really much of anything and many of us have probably also accidentally dropped things on our toes. The big difference here is that when we do something like this we don’t have anyone filming it with their phone and uploading it for the whole world to see.
By the time the plaster cast had been removed from Oily Rag’s foot, the footage of his accident had been viewed by more than 50 million people. Though this made Oily Rag instantly famous it wasn’t in the kind of way he had in mind and so he retired.
The video guaranteed that Oily Rag would win the award but he refused to attend the ceremony, put his spanner back in his toolbox and disappeared from public view. You can imagine his disappointment. But Oily Rag wasn’t the only person disappointed by the whole affair. Spare a thought for Gibson Rightspice, Oily Rag’s next-door neighbour and one-time enterprising local entrepreneur.
Gibson spotted what he thought was a gap in the home improvement market and had two hundred and fifty five thousand Oily Rag Official Boiler Suits™ quickly made in the hope of cashing in on the next big superhero thing.
Gibson was able to sell a handful of boiler suits to art school students and other young people who thought that they were being really clever by wearing an Oily Rag Official Boiler Suit™ to their local disco or supermarket, but irony was never intended to be part of Gibson’s business plan. It was only a matter of weeks before Gibson had to swap his shop on the high street for a market stall.
Gibson now solely trades online and even though he does occasionally manage to shift a boiler suit, it is normally only for scrap or thrown in free with a job lot of used crockery.
With all things being equal, Panic Town could have done a far lot worse than ending up with Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird ready to fight crime for them.
For the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.Share this:
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Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 8
www.worldsworstsuperheroes.com Part 1
Although they had only actually managed to scare away a small trouble of toughs, and now found themselves at something of a crossroads in their career, Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird certainly weren’t the worst superheroes in the world.
Indeed, the removal of the superpower option on SuperHeroVerse™ caused many more virtual superheroes to acquire their own reality and the market rapidly flooded with people seeking to recreate their online profile in the real world.
This migration from the virtual to the real quickly became big business as a whole range of subsidiary activities sprang up to support this sudden deluge of superheroes falling from a hole in the cloud.
As you can imagine, this new production of superheroes rapidly became an industry like any other and soon generated its own ancillary activities, the most notable of which was the annual World’s Worst Superhero Award as voted for by the readers, writers, listeners, downloaders, sharers, hackers, phishers, rippers and secret surveillancers of www.worldsworstsuperheroes.com.
For the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.Share this:
BARNABY TAYLOR 