Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 15

Falcon Boy looked slightly rubbish?

Ellis knew that everyone was terrified. She knew it was something to do with Dr Don’t Know doing something to Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird. All the teachers at the Panic Town Elementary Academy urged their pupils to write letters to Dr Don’t Know pleading for the safe return of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird. The youngest children drew pleading pictures instead.

Ellis had seen Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird many times in and around the park. She had also seen them directing traffic on bank holidays when the crowds of holidaymakers blocked the road.

Falcon Boy considered duties like this to be part of his new life. However, the Panic Town Police didn’t see things quite the same way and asked him not to interfere.

According to Falcon Boy, the police were worried about a possible conflict of interests. Also, as he added to anyone listening, ‘I suppose there is also the issue of being properly qualified.’ Falcon Boy would glance over his shoulder. ‘It might be an idea,’ he would say conspiratorially, ‘if the Panic Town Police reviewed their operating procedures now that we are here to give them a much-needed helping hand.’

I am sure that this suggestion had reached Captain Lorimer. I am also sure that she wasn’t too impressed.

Even though Ellis knew that the two superheroes were probably a good thing to have around, she still couldn’t help feeling that Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird looked slightly rubbish. Falcon Boy with his silly blue beak-cap-mask and Bewilder Bird with his shoes designed to look bird feet. They made it hard for him to run as he was always tripping over the elongated claws.

But Ellis already knew enough to know that she shouldn’t really judge people by their appearances, despite the very serious challenges that the two superheroes presented to this maxim.

You can also follow Falcon Boy on Twitter @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelesshero

For the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.

Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 14

‘SpiDer HiDer’

SpiDer HiDer are two mysterious sisters who have no relatives, have never been seen in public and do all their business through their official website http://www.spiderhider.pop.

With the tyrannically troubling sound of a tinny toy keyboard break beat cranked up to way beyond 190 beats per minute, SpiDer HiDer use their songs as a platform to talk about the kind of things that trouble young children everywhere.

‘No-one Can Hear Me’ and ‘Please Listen’ received a reasonable number of downloads but it was ‘Can’t You Hear Me Shouting REALLY LOUD’ that really captured the imagination of young children everywhere.

Angsty and angry in the kind of tantrumy way that children can easily understand, ‘Can’t You Hear Me Shouting REALLY LOUD’ has now established itself as one of the genre’s most enduring anthems. I’m pretty sure that by now most people will have heard it. Just in case you haven’t and you are wondering what all the fuss is about the words go like this:

I think that you can’t hear me

So I’m shouting REALLY LOUD

I don’t want to have you near me

So I’m shouting REALLY LOUD

REALLY LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m shouting REALLY LOUD

REALLY LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m shouting REALLY LOUD

Can’t you hear ME shouting?

REALLY LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

REALLY LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

REALLY LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

REALLY LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

REALLY LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can imagine, listening to SpiDer HiDer can be a disorienting experience. Whether full of daring or just plain unlucky, were you to sit through their entire first album without taking a suitable break between tracks then you would probably regret it.

This is not to say that the particular power of SpiDer HiDer is only limited to humans. Other mammals fare little better, especially considering that some of the frequencies found in the average SpiDer HiDer track are way beyond the capacity of the average human ear.

If you ever find yourself face to face with a dog licking bitter salty tears from its own eyes, then you can guarantee that someone has played it a SpiDer HiDer song.

 

You can also follow Falcon Boy on Twitter @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelesshero

For the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.

Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 13

‘Is It Really Talent Time Again?‘ Part 2

For Little Bernie on the other hand, his winning song, Everybody Look at Me, has catapulted him to the very edge of the celebrity troposphere. As the song begins:

Everybody Look at Me

I’m a Real Celebrity

I Know I’m only Eight but I’m really Great

So Everybody Look at Me

At lunchtime in every playground across the land, you can barely move for small children forming a line and clapping in time as they sing the chorus to Everybody Look at Me. It goes like this… (but you knew that already!!)

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

Then, if you have any energy left, you need to do a floor drop followed by a high five with yourself before launching into the now infamous Tiger Rap.

I said I’m only Eight but I’m really Great

You think I’m Crooked but I’m Really Straight

I Jump Up High and I Dance All Night

And Me and My Friends We Never Fight

We Go to Every Party and We Have a Great Time

But the Way You all Dance is a Proper Crime

You Need to Take a Good Look and Copy Me

Make my Shapes and I Will Set You Free

See Me Go, Just Watch Me Move

I’m the Easy Slider, I’m the Super-Groove

On Every Dance Floor Across the State

I’m a Real Celebrity and I’m only Eight

Everyone agrees (sadly) that this isn’t the last we have seen of Little Bernie Tiger.

You can also follow Falcon Boy on Twitter @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelesshero

For the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.

Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 13

‘Is It Really Talent Time Again?‘ Part 1

If you want something more upbeat, then Little Bernie Tiger could well be your boy. Little Bernie is the name that has been on everyone’s lips since he won Is It Really Talent Time Again? recently.

In the early episodes the viewing public were encouraged to laugh at unfortunate people who were induced, hoodwinked, tricked and bamboozled into revealing their natural lack of talent on a ‘talent’ show.

Eventually, this tawdry process begat six finalists and from then on the competition unfolded, with an act leaving each week until only two acts remained. And this is where the problems began.

It was during the live final that after weeks of manipulation, the viewing public finally snapped and refused to vote for their ‘favourite’ act.

The winner of this year’s Is It Really Talent Time Again? was decided by the toss of a rather large novelty coin and following three fumbles, two miscalls and a power cut, Little Bernie Tiger pipped The Tumbling Tortoise Trio to the award.

Derk and Joddy Pepper are the brains behind The Tumbling Tortoise Trio, an act which sees Derk repeatedly tumbling three large tortoises down a children’s garden slide to land in a gold-painted bucket while Joddy wears a glittery dress, points at the bucket and looks on admiringly.

If you log onto The Tumbling Tortoise Trio Official Homepage™ www.tumblingtortoisetrio.org, you will see that the husband and wife team describe themselves as ‘Small Animal Holders, Intricate Spectacle Deliverers and Light Entertainment Exceptionalists’.

Sadly, appearing on television didn’t boost the appeal of The Tumbling Tortoise Trio in any way at all, but if you are organising a social event and the entertainment lets you down at the last minute then I’m sure The Tumbling Tortoise Trio would be available to fill in at the shortest of really short notices. And I mean short.

You can also follow Falcon Boy on Twitter @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelesshero

For the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.

Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 12

 ‘Love is Like a Scary Wind’

Mizzy Rosebud came second in the ‘Best Amateur Song Recorded in a Bedroom on a Smart Phone or other Intelligent Hand-Held Device’ category at last year’s Annual Global Music Awards.

Love is Like a Scary Wind is variously described as ‘ethereal’, ‘ghost-like’, ‘wraithful’, ‘haunting’, ‘mournful’, ‘vengeful’, ‘celestial’, ‘empyreal’, ‘unworldly’, ‘vapoury’, ‘impalpable’, ‘sublime’, ‘gaseous’ – someone has clearly been reading a thesaurus here – ‘exquisite’, ‘fairy’, ‘filmy’, ‘weird’, ‘weirdy’, ‘weirdly’, ‘bizarre’, ‘peculiar’, ‘flinchful’, ‘twitch-inducing’, ‘panic-mongering’, ‘cataclysmic’, ‘stultifying’, ‘impairing’, ‘unhinged’, ‘unlikeable’, ‘unbearable’, ‘unbelievable’, ‘unimaginable’, ‘inconceivable’, ‘unanswerable’, ‘unheimlich’ and ‘terrifying.’

Mizzy Rosebud repeats the song’s title (and only lyric) over and over again for thirty-seven minutes in a small whispery lisp (or lispery whisp) as a howling wind howls in the background.

Love Is Like a Scary Wind has taken the Internet by storm. You can’t move nowadays for footage of snakes yawning, kittens falling from sofas, penguins being tickled, small boats foundering in tropical storms, pensioners sleeping, crowds at railway stations or football matches, amoebas multiplying beneath the gaze of a microscope, fruit flies, or people kissing in old black and white films, all with Mizzy’s song in the background

Love is Like a Scary Wind has also been adopted for more nefarious aims and only last week researchers based at the (very worringly-sounding) Global Institute for Secret Internet Observance discovered an uploaded version of the song embedded on the website of a now bankrupt cosmetic surgery company.

The track was looping on a nineteen-day cycle and there were unconfirmed reports that it was interfering with the brain waves of anyone who had ever received a marketing email from the company. Fearing global contagion the website was eventually made safe in a joint cyber-initiative spearheaded by the USA and Nepal.

It was recommended that all future plays of Love is Like a Scary Wind should be monitored on a country-by-country basis. However, a well-meaning parent of a child in Ellis’s school felt that the issue of censorship was something for children to decide for themselves and allowed their child to distribute a download of the track among their classmates.

You can also follow Falcon Boy on Twitter @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelesshero

For the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.

Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 11

The Rebel Robot MCs

The Rebel Robot MCs are three young rappers, B-boys and DJs called Nuclear Boy, DJ Slo-Mo and R-Man. With rhymes as hot as

We’re gonna ROCK, gonna BLOW our TOP

And for the likes of you WE’LL NEVER STOP

Gonna lay down the law for the HERE AND NOW

And your only care is WHO? not HOW?

We’re not old enough to drive a car but

YOU need to know how REAL we ARE

and beats to match it is easy to see why the Rebel Robot MCs are Panic Town’s favourite hip hop crew.

The Rebel Robot MCs hit the big time with their rebooted version of the old Amy and the Aminals (sic) soul stomper Party Line. Released on the very obscure White Crown record label in 1966, there were only 50 copies of the original single printed and a pristine copy is now worth enough to purchase a small house in the poshest part of Panic Town.

The video that accompanies the Rebel Robot MC’s version really takes off just at the part where Nuclear Boy and R-Man rap the chorus with six dolls dressed as alligators while DJ Slo-Mo uses a wonky bicycle wheel as her turntable.

CH … CH …CH … Check it out

Take your time

Call us NOW on the party line

We’re here for YOU

And you’re there for US

So check it out now

DON’T MAKE NO FUSS

I’m Nuclear Boy and I’m in the house

Hear my big town roar

Ain’t no country mouse

DJ Slo-Mo is her NAME

She’s here to STAY

She got everlasting FAME

R-Man says clap your hands

Don’t bury your head deep in the SAND

Say R-Man,

What’s your plan?

WHAT YOU GONNA SAY TO THE MAN?

Say R-Man

What’s your plan?

WHAT YOU GONNA SAY TO THE BIG BAD MAN?

Within three hours of the track’s release the fortunes of the three MCs changed forever when Party Line was adopted by the Fuzzy Cola™ Corporation as the soundtrack to their next television advertisement.

Some people were inevitably upset by what they saw as the usual selling-out by struggling artists who are given a glimpse of the big time, but others applauded the sentiment as DJ Slo-Mo memorably rapped a response to their critics on the band’s follow-up track Party Line II (I’m Doing Extra Fine).

Not selling, we’re reaching OUT,

And we’re telling you WITHOUT A DOUBT,

Our aim is TRUE and our hands are CLEAN,

We don’t get our kicks from NO DRINKS MACHINE,

They say we do, WE SAY WE DON’T,

THEY WANT US TO, BUT YOU KNOW WE WON’T

For many of their other fans, including Ellis and her classmates, any possible fears of whether or not an artist’s creativity would be consumed by corporate conformity were largely ignored in favour of the cuddly robot costumes the Rebel Robot MCs wore in the next Fuzzy Cola© television advert once the corporation bought the rights to the band in perpetuity.

You can also follow Falcon Boy on Twitter @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelesshero

 

For all their latest adventures why not follow the rebel|robot|mcs on Twitter @rebelrobotmcs and Soundcloud

For the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.

Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 10

‘Ellis is an ordinary girl’

Ellis likes to do ordinary things like riding her bike, dancing, eating pasta, watching television, dressing up, baking cakes, reading, drawing, writing stories, pretending, asking questions and playing the piano.

She loves games of all kinds: board games, video games, fun games, silly games, invented games, games with dolls, with puppets, with bats and balls, with words, with mimes, music, silence, with guesses and riddles and made-up words.

But what does Ellis look like?

Is she tall with blonde hair? Freckles and a ponytail? A bob and a baseball cap? A big toothy grin? Shy in a velvet dress? Laughing as she is dressed as a pirate? Bright blue eyes full of tears when a clap of thunder makes her scared?

I know what she looks like in my mind but my mind is different to your mind. What do you think she looks like? As Ellis will tell you herself, if you ever get the chance to ask her, the best parts of any story are the parts you add yourself.

You have the words that are written. You have the gaps between the words. Your job is to fill these gaps with your imagination.

For example, I have just told you who Ellis is. I have also told you what she likes doing. But I haven’t told you what she looks like. That is your job.

Ellis also really enjoys listening to listen to music and stories on her generic MP3 player. Here is what she is currently listening to:

 

You can also follow Falcon Boy on Twitter @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelesshero

For the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.

Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 9

‘Ladies and Gentlemen, the Infamous Moon Rope’ Part 5

Meanwhile, in another kitchen in another house in another part of Panic Town, Captain Lorimer also sat and worried. She hadn’t enjoyed breaking the news to the Mayor and she had seen how worried the news had made him. But what could she do? It was her job and she had to do it to the best of her ability.

It hadn’t been easy for Lori Lorimer to rise up through the ranks of the Police Force to her current position. It had taken years of dedication and sacrifice and Lori had had to dispense with anything that threatened to complicate her career trajectory. After years of overlooking romantic possibilities and keeping her family commitments to the very minimum, Lori was now afraid that all those years of directing traffic, recovering stolen cats and cautioning small children, not to mention the hours and hours of revising for exam after exam after exam, would count for nothing when faced with such a global disaster.

‘Then what will I do?’ she asked herself. ‘I can’t just go back to patrolling in uniform again, pounding the beat on the unforgiving streets, because if Dr Don’t Know gets his evil way, there will be no beat to pound and no streets to patrol nor any uniforms to put back on to patrol them with.’

There was no sleep for many people that night.

 

You can also follow Falcon Boy on Twitter @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelesshero

For the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.

 

Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 9

‘Ladies and Gentlemen, the Infamous Moon Rope’ Part 4

Mayor Denver Footswerve cleared his throat before he spoke. He thought this made him sound more mayoral.

‘I think I speak for all of us here when I say how pleased we are to have your best minds working on our behalf, Captain Lorimer.’ The Mayor paused and I am beginning to wonder whether pausing is as contagious a social habit as yawning.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, I am aware that we are all aware of just precarious the situation sounds but I can’t help wondering, from a Public Relations perspective, whether it will in any way be possible to temper bad news of this magnitude with some good news, no matter how small that good news might be?’

The Mayor looked at Captain Lorimer and she could see panic in his eyes. Being mayor was the only thing he had ever wanted and now it looked like someone was going to go and spoil it before he had the chance to enjoy it.

There was no good news.

‘There was no good news,’ Mayor Footswerve said later to his wife, Peculia, as he ate his tea. ‘People are going to start blaming me if the world ends while I am in office.’ Mayor Footswerve pushed the peas around his plate.

‘They already blame me for everything already and I have only just been elected. I can’t imagine how Panic Town will react if something cataclysmic and world-ending happens while I am Mayor.’

Peculia could find no words to comfort her troubled husband.

You can also follow Falcon Boy on Twitter @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelesshero

For the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.

 

Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume 1: 9

‘Ladies and Gentlemen, the Infamous Moon Rope’ Part 3

On the screen was an artist’s impression of what the mythical Moon Rope might look like. The audience saw two circles representing the Earth and the Moon with a line joining them. Captain Lorimer traced the line with her laser pointer.

‘From what my best minds can so far deduce, the Moon Rope will allow Dr Don’t Know to create an elaborate pulley system connecting the Earth to the Moon.’

‘Why would anyone do anything like this?’ asked Mayor Footswerve anxiously.

Captain Lorimer shuffled her notes nervously.

‘We are not sure why, your Honour,’ she told the Mayor, ‘but all our agents are telling us that their best intelligence is telling them that this is not going to be a good thing.’

Gasps echoed around the room as Captain Lorimer concluded her presentation by predicting that the Moon Rope would likely cause untold electrical disruption. It would also prevent anyone on the entire planet from ever knowing the right time ever again.

‘I’m afraid it doesn’t look good at the moment,’ she told her gasping audience. ‘This Moon Rope could well mean the end of the world for all of us.’

You can also follow Falcon Boy on Twitter @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelesshero

For the full FREE adventures of Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird why not download Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets now.