Category: Fiction
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With everyone in place and ready for anything that Dr Don’t Know could possibly throw at them, Ellis went backstage to try and figure out exactly what the evil criminal was planning to do.
Previously, when she was still looking for Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird, Ellis had found the backstage area to be too busy and too difficult to explore properly.
I’m certain that the uncertainty of the situation was certainly a contributing factor to her own uncertainty, but now that things were a bit more certain, it is certainly fair to say that Ellis was feeling a bit more certain about herself and how certain things were going, even if she wasn’t certain yet what the world could expect from a certain Dr Don’t Know.With Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird now free to fight crime once more, and with her responsible for their freedom, Ellis was beginning to feel more and more like it was her actions that were causing some kind of story to unfold. All of this made her feel better about things now.
‘I’m feeling better about things now,’ she said to herself but being a sensible girl, Ellis didn’t want to get too carried away here.
‘I don’t want to get too carried away here,’ she thought. ‘Everything could change in the blink of an eye.’
And like all sensible people everywhere, Ellis was right, apart from one thing. Things in this book are not likely to change in the blink of an eye, more like the turn of a page.
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As everyone stood and stared at each other, Ellis decided that the best thing to do was for Doodah to act as if nothing unusual was about to happen. The show couldn’t be cancelled. Even despite Daphne’s suggestion, everybody couldn’t simply go home because then Dr Don’t Know would know that something was up and he might never be caught.
‘This means,’ said Ellis, ‘that you must all act normally and keep singing no matter what you see or hear.’
She turned to Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird.
‘You two should be in the crowd and ready to pounce at the first sign of trouble. I will be backstage trying to find out what is going on.’Having stood in silence for a while now and very keen to play a larger part in the exciting events unfolding around him, Falcon Boy stepped forward and Bewilder Bird stood beside him. They both puffed out their chests. Falcon Boy cleared his throat.
‘We want you all to know how safe you are going to be with the two of us keeping watch and having our eyes open for any movement made by Dr Don’t Know or any of his mindless minions, so we don’t want any of you to worry whatsoever as every outcome, incident and eventuality will be covered by and accounted for by the heroic two of us.’
It’s happening again with the whole horrendous mangled language thing. I thought that Daphne’s speech was bad enough, and now this from Falcon Boy. Things are going from bad to worse. The problem is that characters in stories need to say things to each other, even things as bad as these. This wouldn’t be much of a story if everyone was as silent as Bewilder Bird, but it might make it easier to read.
I guess for the sake of the rest of the story, we will have to accept the fact that this sort of thing is probably going to happen again. If this is the case, then what we need to do is try and find the good in every bad thing.
In the case of Daphne, the best thing we can take from her outburst is comfort in the fact that she normally doesn’t use this many words when she speaks and so is unlikely to do so ever again. It just isn’t like her. As for Falcon Boy, at least he sounded a bit more confident than he had done previously. And that’s a good thing, isn’t it?
Nobody replied and for a brief moment, Ellis feared that Davey would start teasing Falcon Boy again, but he just shrugged and said, ‘Whatever, man,’ and started fiddling with a spare pogo-stick tail he found leaning against a table.
That’s another good thing.
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Deirdre was right, of course, and nothing more needed to be said on the subject, but it might have been better for the sake of the story if she could have thought of a bit more to say on the subject. It would certainly give us all a better sense of Deirdre’s character. Then again, perhaps the fact that she doesn’t have too much to say is revealing enough in its own way.I guess it is right when people say that celebrities can be strange and mysterious people. I was going to say something about being ordinary and extraordinary and the alleged paradox that this duality creates, but we’ve been down this road before. I’m not sure we need to go down it again.
I guess it is also right when other people say that celebrities can be stupid and shallow and have nothing to say. It is also fair to say that you don’t need to be a celebrity to be strange or mysterious or stupid and shallow and have nothing to say.
All of this is fine and fair and exactly how we would expect the world to be turning, but I do think that it is also true to say that this particular story does appear to have a very high percentage of celebrities who are strange and mysterious and stupid and shallow and have nothing to say. You can decide for yourself whether this is a good or a bad thing.
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Donny was next to react. He shook his head but not in disbelief at what Daphne had just uttered. Donny didn’t want to go home. Donny wanted to stay and see what Dr Don’t Know had in mind.
Donny liked action and secretly thought that if he wasn’t Doodah’s drummer, he might like a job in what he called the ‘secret super agent mystery murder spy business’.
The thing Donny had always liked the least about being in Doodah was having to dress up in silly outfits, so he certainly had no plans to become a costumed superhero.Now he was in the same room as Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird, he was even more convinced that costumes and capes were not for him. Donny fancied something much more ‘secret and science-y’, like spying, listening to telephones all day long or manning a twenty-four hour closed-circuit television camera for twenty-four hours a day.
‘You must get to see so much,’ he said to himself, ‘and you would have plenty of time to see it all.’
Deirdre simply thought that the show should simply go on.
‘The show should simply go on,’ she simply said, and that was all she had to say on the subject.
He will be thrilled if you follow him on Twitter! Falcon Boy @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelesshero
For all the latest breaking news why not follow the Rebel Robot MCs? @RebelRobotMCsDoodah love you and want you to follow them on Twitter @deirdredoodah
She couldn’t care less if you follow her on Twitter! Pearly Stockwell @PearlyStockwell
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When Ellis had finished telling Doodah about her rescuing Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird, everybody wondered what to do next. Surprisingly, or not, depending on how you view what she was about to say, it was Daphne who spoke first.
‘Why don’t we all just go home?’ she suggested. ‘If we all leave very, very quietly and no one ever ever tells him, Dr Don’t Know might never, never know until it is way, way too late, and even when he does maybe someday find out, it will be way, way too, too late anyway because nobody will even really be here to even start to tell him, because everybody will have already gone home.’Let’s pause for a second. Ellis was only saying a minute ago that global pop stars have a responsibility to set good examples to their fans and now we have one of the biggest stars in the world saying something as stupid as this.
How does Daphne’s last outburst make you feel? Angry? Confused? Disappointed? Scared?
How does it make me feel? A little bit weepy, bordering on fearful. Remember, I only had to type it out. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now. You were the poor person who had read the offending paragraph, either out loud to someone else, or even to yourself. Sorry.
I’m pretty sure that Ellis felt the same way we do. She was only at the start of her lifelong engagement with language, but Ellis simply couldn’t believe that anyone would be capable of saying something like this, let alone saying it out loud.
He will be thrilled if you follow him on Twitter! Falcon Boy @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelessheroFor all the latest breaking news why not follow the Rebel Robot MCs? @RebelRobotMCsDoodah love you and want you to follow them on Twitter @deirdredoodahShe couldn’t care less if you follow her on Twitter! Pearly Stockwell @PearlyStockwellIf universal destruction is more like your business then why not follow Dr Don’t Know on Twitter @drdontknowShare this:
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Ellis got everyone’s attention.
‘This is great,’ she thought. ‘Every time I do something today, it feels a little bit more like I’m a hero in my own story.’
Ellis climbed down from the chair and started to explain everything that had happened so far to Doodah. Which was not an easy thing to do.
To begin with, Davey started with his ‘Pardons?’ and ‘Are yous?’ again.
‘And then I heard Falcon Boy’s voice,’ said Ellis.
‘Pardon?’ said Davey.
‘Falcon Boy,’ said Ellis, pointing at Falcon Boy.
‘Are you?’ said Davey.
Falcon Boy went to say something. Ellis put her hand on his arm. She smiled.
‘Pop stars like you have lots of big jobs to do,’ Ellis said pointedly.
‘Do we?’ sniggered Davey. ‘Really big jobs?’ Donny sniggered as well.‘You do,’ said Ellis unperturbed, ‘and do you know what your biggest job of all is?’
Davey was sniggering too much to answer. He shook his head.
‘Your biggest job is to inspire all the children in the world to be the very best they can possibly ever be and not,’ said Ellis firmly, ‘to be as stupid and annoying as you are being now.’
Davey stopped sniggering. Donny didn’t but Davey shot him a fierce look.
‘She’s right, you know,’ said Deirdre, suitably stung on behalf of global pop stars everywhere by the image that Davey was currently projecting. ‘Will you both please just pack it in and listen to what she has to say?’
‘Pardon?’ Davey couldn’t resist one more. Deirdre looked fierce enough to eat the pop star whole; bones, boots and all.
‘Sorry Deirdre,’ said Davey and Donny together. ‘Sorry Ellis.’
He will be thrilled if you follow him on Twitter! Falcon Boy @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelessheroFor all the latest breaking news why not follow the Rebel Robot MCs? @RebelRobotMCsDoodah love you and want you to follow them on Twitter @deirdredoodahShe couldn’t care less if you follow her on Twitter! Pearly Stockwell @PearlyStockwellIf universal destruction is more like your business then why not follow Dr Don’t Know on Twitter @drdontknowShare this:
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Towards the end of Pearly Stockwell and the Fate of the Fête, the good people of Fallstown are locked in an unhappy debate about who is really responsible for the disappearance of the refreshments tent so kindly donated by the Fallstown Mothers’ Union.
‘I was really looking forward to one of those scones,’ says Captain Andrew McAndrew, Founder, President, Secretary and Treasurer of the Fallstown Fellows, and it isn’t long before everyone starts arguing.
Pearly is very concerned. Wanderley had disguised himself as the man who ran the coconut shy but so far he has nothing to report. Wes is waiting for someone to need a hard shove or perhaps a punch. Windy is standing by, ready to run really fast.‘We are not going to get anywhere like this,’ Pearly says to herself. ‘I need to do something and quick.’ So she stands on a chair and shouts ‘Shut Up’ at the top of her voice.
Now, whether it was the volume or the rudeness and for some people it probably was both, Pearly’s shouting has the desired effect and it eventually leads to the unmasking of Lady Sago Hargreaves as the villainess.
It doesn’t take long for Pearly to realise that Lady Hargreaves isn’t actually a lady at all, in either sense of the word. ‘She’ is, in fact, a certain Lenny Lonaghan who, following a very little bit of detective work and a very lot of simply listening at keyholes, is, in the words of Captain McAndrew, a ‘blasted chancer’ who thought that he could ‘get in with’ Fallstown’s polite society with a view to then possibly stealing things from people’s homes or, if that wasn’t possible, at least break a few things when no one was looking.
Thwarted in his plans of getting in with the ‘proper’ people of Fallstown when he discovers that nobody is friendly enough to invite him to their houses, Lenny decides to take his revenge at the annual Fallstown Fête by burning down the refreshment tent and all it contains.
‘They were other people’s cakes,’ says Pearly sternly, wagging her finger at the defrocked arsonist as Wes holds him in a vicious-looking headlock and Windy comes running back up the hill with the police puffing and panting behind him.
Ellis had always thought that when the time came, she would stand on a chair and shout really loud to get people’s attention. As she had already discovered to her cost, it doesn’t work at home but as you can see here, when done in the right place it can be extremely effective.
He will be thrilled if you follow him on Twitter! Falcon Boy @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelessheroFor all the latest breaking news why not follow the Rebel Robot MCs? @RebelRobotMCsDoodah love you and want you to follow them on Twitter @deirdredoodahShe couldn’t care less if you follow her on Twitter! Pearly Stockwell @PearlyStockwellShare this:
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‘Who are you and what do you want?’ she demanded haughtily. ‘We are Doodah and we don’t have time for our fans just now.’
Deirdre considered smiling but couldn’t quite manage it. The best she could do was not growl.
‘Could you please all leave straight away?’ she said through gritted teeth. ‘If you are really lucky, then maybe one day you might be fortunate enough to win a competition to meet one of our assistants. Until then, I must ask you all to please go away now before I have you removed.’‘But…’ said Falcon Boy, despite everything that had just been said and the look of real hatred dawning on Deirdre’s face.
‘Leave…’ said Deirdre, her hackle well and truly up now.
‘Please…’ pleaded Falcon Boy pleadingly, and here we now find ourselves in a very difficult situation.
It is one thing to admire someone for something, as perhaps we are admiring Falcon Boy here for behaving himself in the face of such obvious and stupid ruditity. However, the question of admiration becomes slightly complicated when you realise that the someone you thought was to be admired is now beginning to sound desperate.
No one likes to hear the sound of desperation in someone’s voice, especially if that someone is a superhero. It sends out the wrong message.
‘Now!’ shouted Deirdre, and any pretence she might have been struggling to maintain regarding her true feelings had now gone, replaced by a brazen, tooth-bared, person-hating hostility.
‘You…’ choked Falcon Boy.
‘Bye.’
‘Dr…’
‘Don’t!’
‘No!!!’
Ellis had listened to this exchange for long enough and found herself getting very angry as well. Some of Ellis’s anger was the normal, ordinary anger that anyone would feel when witnessing such out and out bad manners from someone who really should know a lot better. However, the main source of Ellis’s anger here was from the complete and utter stupidity of the situation.
Though she didn’t really need to, Ellis decided to stand on a chair before clearing her throat and shouting louder than she had ever shouted before.
‘Stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at her.
He will be thrilled if you follow him on Twitter! Falcon Boy @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelessheroFor all the latest breaking news why not follow the Rebel Robot MCs? @RebelRobotMCsDoodah love you and want you to follow them on Twitter @deirdredoodahShe couldn’t care less if you follow her on Twitter! Pearly Stockwell @PearlyStockwellIf universal destruction is more like your business then why not follow Dr Don’t Know on Twitter @drdontknowShare this:
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Doodah were relaxing backstage in their dressing room when the door burst open and Ellis, Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird rushed inside.
‘Attention all colleagues and bystanders,’ gushed Falcon Boy, with his chest puffed out and his gauntlets placed firmly on his hips, ‘we are Panic Town’s favourite superheroes, here to save you all from being unwitting pawns in a horrendously evil plan formulated by that master of menace, Dr Don’t Know. I have reason to believe that he is planning to use your concert as the excuse for committing some terrible crime.’Davey Doodah looked down from his stilts.
‘Pardon?’ he said in that annoying way that some people have of pretending they didn’t hear what you said, when everyone knows that they did and are only saying this be annoying. Falcon Boy didn’t understand.
‘I mean that we are here to be the ones who help by stopping you…’
‘Are you?’ interrupted Davey. The same principle as before also applies to this phrase.
‘Yes, I am Falcon Boy and…’
‘You are,’ said Davey annoyingly again, with the emphasis on the ‘are’, enjoying the game he was playing.
Falcon Boy was ready to speak again when Deirdre angrily interrupted him.
‘I specifically requested that all backing dancers be dressed as tie-dye unicorns for the opening number,’ she huffed angrily. ‘I said nothing about scruffy masks, tattered capes and annoying-looking children.’
I couldn’t tell you who the most irritating member of the most irritating band in the universe is, but there are times when you need look no further than Deirdre Doodah for your answer.
He will be thrilled if you follow him on Twitter! Falcon Boy @PBoyProductions #afairlyhopelessheroFor all the latest breaking news why not follow the Rebel Robot MCs? @RebelRobotMCsDoodah love you and want you to follow them on Twitter @deirdredoodahShe couldn’t care less if you follow her on Twitter! Pearly Stockwell @PearlyStockwellIf universal destruction is more like your business then why not follow Dr Don’t Know on Twitter @drdontknowShare this:
‘I’m not sure why,’ said the first roadie, ‘but this seems like just the right place to place this drum kit.’ The roadie was wearing a dark black tshirt with The Woebetides stencilled in silver cobwebby letters.
BARNABY TAYLOR 