
Category: Author
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Excerpt from a new project called Viros (Barnaby Taylor, 2017)
Tagline – ‘Famous Five meets the Walking Dead’
Chapter One
It was an incredibly eerie way to spend an afternoon, stuck up on the roof of the local corner shop waiting for night to fall with only a strange girl for company.
If you had told me yesterday that this was how I was going to spend my weekend I would never have believed you. How could I? Everything has happened so fast that I doubt even the keenest brains in the world could have truly been prepared.
When I went to bed last night the world seemed just about fine. A little crazy in places but the world has always been that way, especially with all those politicians and presidents saying mad and divisive and dangerous things. When I woke this morning everything had changed.
The details are currently very hazy on the radio but from what I can gather, some form of unknown airborne virus has spread catastrophically overnight and infected three-quarters of the world’s population. Reports of individuals turning into of blood-crazed monsters are widespread. Whilst no one is prepared to come out and say it, we have all seen enough films and played enough video games to know that this virus is a likely extinction-level event.
If this means that the world is going to end then it is no wonder that everyone is unprepared. How could you ever really prepare for something so sudden and so catastrophic? I suppose you could hoard boxes of beans and bottles of water in your basement ‘just in case’ but the sort of people that do something like that are the same sort of people who live in the middle of nowhere and have been ready for the breakdown of civilization since before I was born. For everyone else it has all come as a bit of a shock.
I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Jake and I was born with a chromosome missing and this simple fact means that it has only been Mum and me since my dad left. Mum says he wasn’t mature enough to deal with everything and so went missing round about the same time that my missing chromosome was found. I live a quiet and ordinary life like any other eleven-year-old kid in a small boring town like this one. Things are only a big deal if you let them become a big deal and I don’t so we won’t need to talk about any of this again. I am who I am and I am proud of it.
My radio alarm clock had woken me as usual at 7am, just in time to hear the news about the virus. The airwaves were full of experts arguing about expert things but the basic premise was a really simple one, through no apparent fault of its own, the world now faced total and utter disaster. Countries were collapsing. Governments were beginning to fall as societies came to an end. I got dressed quickly and headed downstairs.
My mum works early morning shifts as a cleaner at the local hospital and so I’m well used to getting myself up, getting dressed and getting my own breakfast before she gets back. Before you judge her you should know that I love her for what she has to do and the sacrifices she has to make to feed us both. So what if I wake up and she’s not there sometimes? In any case, being independent is very important to me, as it is to all kids, and I have always enjoyed looking after myself in the mornings. Until now, that is.
I knew Mum would be worried about me and I was sure worried about her. But what should I do? I know she would have told me to stay at home and wait for her to come back but how could I do that? The hospital wasn’t far from my house and so I decided that I should try and find her. What if she was trapped? Or hiding frightened somewhere? She would need me there with her so I grabbed my coat and headed out my house.
My house is on one end of a terrace and at the other end is the old corner shop run by Mr. Smith. Every day before school I like to pop in to spend five minutes reading the news headlines.
‘It’s still only doom and gloom,’ Mr. Smith would joke every morning. ‘But Hey! We wouldn’t want it any other way, would we?’ he’d say and wink as he stood behind the counter.
It was early in the morning and I was so worried about Mum so I wasn’t really looking where I was going. I bumped into someone.
‘Sorry,’ I said as I looked up to see that it was Mr. Smith. He growled and went to grab me. I tried to duck but he had the hood of my jacket held tight in his fist and I couldn’t get away. We wrestled for a moment and I could feel his other hand trying to grab my throat. I had to do something to get away or I was in real trouble. I managed to hook my right leg behind his left and I leaned into his chest with all my might. Mr. Smith lost his balance and fell backwards onto the pavement, losing his grip of my hood as he did so. I stepped back.
‘Quick! Up here!’ I heard someone shouting but couldn’t see anyone. Mr. Smith was getting back to his feet. ‘Up on the roof,’ said the voice. ‘Look up here.’ I looked up to see a girl smiling as she fired a catapult at the lumbering Mr. Smith.
‘I’ll hold him off. You need to climb onto the top of that van and then jump across the gap.’
Quick as a flash I jumped up onto the front of the van but as I started to climb up I felt something tug my ankle. I looked down to see that Mr. Smith had caught up with me..
‘Help,’ I shouted to the girl. ‘He’s grabbed my ankle.’
‘Don’t panic,’ she shouted. ‘I’ll knock him down.’ Something whistled past my head and I felt the grip loosen on my ankle. I looked back. Mr. Smith had been hit right between the eyes by a stone from the catapult.
‘Good shot!’ I shouted.
‘I know,’ came the reply.
Without stopping, I scrambled up onto the top of the van and looked across to the see the smiling girl waving.
‘Jump,’ she said encouragingly. ‘You can do it.’
Can I? I thought but that is not the sort of thing that you would ever say out loud in front of a girl you have just met for the first time so I did what she said and jumped. I caught hold of the low wall and pulled myself up and onto the roof.
‘Hi!’ said the smiling girl. ‘My name is Ellis and welcome to my roof.’ I smiled back.
‘Jake,’ I said winded. ‘All my friends call me Jake.’
Save
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Excerpt from a new project called Viros (Barnaby Taylor, 2017)
Tagline – ‘Famous Five meets the Walking Dead’
Chapter One
It was an incredibly eerie way to spend an afternoon, stuck up on the roof of the local corner shop waiting for night to fall with only a strange girl for company.
If you had told me yesterday that this was how I was going to spend my weekend I would never have believed you. How could I? Everything has happened so fast that I doubt even the keenest brains in the world could have truly been prepared.
When I went to bed last night the world seemed just about fine. A little crazy in places but the world has always been that way, especially with all those politicians and presidents saying mad and divisive and dangerous things. When I woke this morning everything had changed.
The details are currently very hazy on the radio but from what I can gather, some form of unknown airborne virus has spread catastrophically overnight and infected three-quarters of the world’s population. Reports of individuals turning into of blood-crazed monsters are widespread. Whilst no one is prepared to come out and say it, we have all seen enough films and played enough video games to know that this virus is a likely extinction-level event.
If this means that the world is going to end then it is no wonder that everyone is unprepared. How could you ever really prepare for something so sudden and so catastrophic? I suppose you could hoard boxes of beans and bottles of water in your basement ‘just in case’ but the sort of people that do something like that are the same sort of people who live in the middle of nowhere and have been ready for the breakdown of civilization since before I was born. For everyone else it has all come as a bit of a shock.
I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Jake and I was born with a chromosome missing and this simple fact means that it has only been Mum and me since my dad left. Mum says he wasn’t mature enough to deal with everything and so went missing round about the same time that my missing chromosome was found. I live a quiet and ordinary life like any other eleven-year-old kid in a small boring town like this one. Things are only a big deal if you let them become a big deal and I don’t so we won’t need to talk about any of this again. I am who I am and I am proud of it.
My radio alarm clock had woken me as usual at 7am, just in time to hear the news about the virus. The airwaves were full of experts arguing about expert things but the basic premise was a really simple one, through no apparent fault of its own, the world now faced total and utter disaster. Countries were collapsing. Governments were beginning to fall as societies came to an end. I got dressed quickly and headed downstairs.
My mum works early morning shifts as a cleaner at the local hospital and so I’m well used to getting myself up, getting dressed and getting my own breakfast before she gets back. Before you judge her you should know that I love her for what she has to do and the sacrifices she has to make to feed us both. So what if I wake up and she’s not there sometimes? In any case, being independent is very important to me, as it is to all kids, and I have always enjoyed looking after myself in the mornings. Until now, that is.
I knew Mum would be worried about me and I was sure worried about her. But what should I do? I know she would have told me to stay at home and wait for her to come back but how could I do that? The hospital wasn’t far from my house and so I decided that I should try and find her. What if she was trapped? Or hiding frightened somewhere? She would need me there with her so I grabbed my coat and headed out my house.
My house is on one end of a terrace and at the other end is the old corner shop run by Mr. Smith. Every day before school I like to pop in to spend five minutes reading the news headlines.
‘It’s still only doom and gloom,’ Mr. Smith would joke every morning. ‘But Hey! We wouldn’t want it any other way, would we?’ he’d say and wink as he stood behind the counter.
It was early in the morning and I was so worried about Mum so I wasn’t really looking where I was going. I bumped into someone.
‘Sorry,’ I said as I looked up to see that it was Mr. Smith. He growled and went to grab me. I tried to duck but he had the hood of my jacket held tight in his fist and I couldn’t get away. We wrestled for a moment and I could feel his other hand trying to grab my throat. I had to do something to get away or I was in real trouble. I managed to hook my right leg behind his left and I leaned into his chest with all my might. Mr. Smith lost his balance and fell backwards onto the pavement, losing his grip of my hood as he did so. I stepped back.
‘Quick! Up here!’ I heard someone shouting but couldn’t see anyone. Mr. Smith was getting back to his feet. ‘Up on the roof,’ said the voice. ‘Look up here.’ I looked up to see a girl smiling as she fired a catapult at the lumbering Mr. Smith.
‘I’ll hold him off. You need to climb onto the top of that van and then jump across the gap.’
Quick as a flash I jumped up onto the front of the van but as I started to climb up I felt something tug my ankle. I looked down to see that Mr. Smith had caught up with me..
‘Help,’ I shouted to the girl. ‘He’s grabbed my ankle.’
‘Don’t panic,’ she shouted. ‘I’ll knock him down.’ Something whistled past my head and I felt the grip loosen on my ankle. I looked back. Mr. Smith had been hit right between the eyes by a stone from the catapult.
‘Good shot!’ I shouted.
‘I know,’ came the reply.
Without stopping, I scrambled up onto the top of the van and looked across to the see the smiling girl waving.
‘Jump,’ she said encouragingly. ‘You can do it.’
Can I? I thought but that is not the sort of thing that you would ever say out loud in front of a girl you have just met for the first time so I did what she said and jumped. I caught hold of the low wall and pulled myself up and onto the roof.
‘Hi!’ said the smiling girl. ‘My name is Ellis and welcome to my roof.’ I smiled back.
‘Jake,’ I said winded. ‘All my friends call me Jake.’
Save
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The following is an extract from Volume 2 of the Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero series,
The Brothers Revoltable Travelling Circus and Other Crazy Fun with Special Guests.
(If you have not yet read Volume 1 I am not going to judge but merely suggest that you should follow the link at the bottom of this post.)
Chapter 3. ‘Dear Sirs and Madams’
‘Dear Sirs and Madams’, the email began. ‘My name is Clayton Candlegrease but you may call me Falcon Boy. I have recently been involved in certain world-saving situations. Perhaps you might have heard about them?’
Bewilder Bird didn’t say anything when Falcon Boy first told him that he was going to apply for the lead role in Eucalyptus McKenzie Really Saves the World. Considering the fact that Bewilder Bird has taken a vow of silence this is hardly surprising. However, even if Bewilder Bird hadn’t taken this vow I am pretty sure that the sheer deludedness of Falcon Boy’s ambition would have rendered him speechless anyway. I know I was struck dumb when I first heard about his plan. I’m still reeling even as we speak.
The trouble is that nothing would now do for our fairly hopeless hero. After the last lot of shenanigans with Dr. Don’t Know and his evil plan, Falcon Boy had now come to imagine that the world was still only spinning correctly because of his heroism and, therefore, he was now the de facto protector of Panic Town and all it represented. This is despite his being told repeatedly by Captain Lori Lorimer that he wasn’t to keep patrolling the streets without official permission.
‘We really appreciate the help you provided regarding the Dr. Don’t Know affair,’ said Captain Lorimer with as much tenderness as she could manage, considering that this was the fifth time she had had to call Falcon Boy into her office to speak to him about his patrolling. ‘But that was a one-off incident and we are not expecting any further situations where the safety of Panic Town is compromised in any way.’
‘But, I’m good, me …’ stammered a blushing Falcon Boy. ‘I really can help and fight and save you.’ Captain Lorimer coughed uncomfortably.
‘As I have told you before, we value your community spirit but a civilized society simply cannot have people taking the law into their own hands.’ She smiled. ‘There would be chaos and where would that leave us?’
A small tear began to form in the corner of Falcon Boy’s eye.
‘But chaos is MY business …’
Falcon Boy sniffed. Captain Lorimer smiled as kindly as she could.
‘I’m happy for you to continue wearing your costume in public if you want to. I am pretty sure that there will sometimes be the odd event that would appreciate the presence of a small-town celebrity to perhaps help draw a crowd …’
Falcon Boy stopped listening.
***
‘And then I told her that she couldn’t keep a good man down,’ said Falcon Boy to his long-suffering silent friend. ‘I don’t care what you say, I said,’ lied Falcon Boy, ‘I am going to keep on fighting crime all the time that Panic Town needs me to keep on fighting crime.’
With an opportunity to properly reflect even Falcon Boy would have possibly considered this last statement to be reasonably rash, especially considering that Panic Town has never really needed him to fight crime in the first place. Nevertheless he was too upset by Captain Lorimer to really be thinking straight. And as we all know, reflection has never really been Falcon Boy’s thing anyway.
Everyone will always need me, he said to himself. Even if they don’t know it yet.
Anyway, as someone I really don’t like used to always tell me, even when I asked them not to, you cannot unring a bell. And so the email to the production company continued.
‘I would be available for an audition at very short notice,’ typed Falcon Boy. ‘I am a bona-fide superhero but I have never flown so I will have to take the train and probably a connecting bus to get to you. I am pretty good with timetables and things and if given enough notice I can reasonably be anywhere you need me to be.’
Falcon Boy stopped typing and uploaded the action photos he had asked Bewilder Bird to take.
For the first photo Falcon Boy jumped from a small stepladder and asked Bewilder Bird to ‘catch me in mid-flight.’ The photo looks a lot like Falcon Boy has tripped and is falling but, as he told Bewilder Bird, ‘at least I’m not just standing still and smiling stiffly.’
In the second photo Falcon Boy is standing stiffly still and smiling in his favourite superhero contrapposto pose.
‘I want to appear at once serene but also exciting,’ he told Bewilder Bird. ‘Poised and ready to leap into action but not twitchy and nervous. Try and make that happen for me, my good friend.’ But Bewilder Bird’s phone was an old one, the camera wasn’t very good and the buttons were too small for his large gauntleted hands.
‘I have attached some images of me in action which I hope will give you a better sense of who I am and what I will bring to the role.’
The tone of an email is always the hardest part. Falcon Boy was trying to sound interested but not too interested.
‘I have no acting experience,’ he typed, ‘but I have recently been in situations that have required me to behave heroically in public so I think that this might make up for my lack of working in films and things. I also have had my photograph taken several times since I helped to save the world and so I would be well-placed to deal with the incessant demands of the world’s paparazzi.’
As I mentioned a moment ago, the tone of an email is always the hardest part. If you are ever writing an email and find yourself wondering whether you have got the tone right or not you could always print off Falcon Boy’s email and use it as an example of how not to write one.
‘I will sign off now because I think it will better for me to talk to you face to face rather than electronically. That way we can all be sure of exactly what it will be like when we work together.
I am big and strong and hardly ever wrong.
Yours in Profound Anticipation
Falcon Boy
PS – When you reply could you let me know if I will need to bring an overnight bag or not. It is always better to have too much than to realize you need something that you haven’t brought with you.
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The following is an excerpt from Volume 2 of the Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero series, The Brothers Revoltable Travelling Circus and Other Crazy Fun with Special Guests (coming soon in paperback)
In each episode of A Very Testing Time Peg and Dee Quilty test things to the great delight of an online audience that now numbers in the billions. Each episode (and there are 1000s of them) begins the same way:
‘I wonder what happens if … ?’ says Peg.
‘Let’s find out!’ replies Dee.
Cue wonky glockenspiel and Peg and Dee materialize. Each episode is meant to be great fun for all involved but that does depend upon your viewpoint. For children like Ellis and her classmates, Peg and Dee can do no wrong. For the many concerned parents and anyone else sent into an absolute rage by the runaway success of the simplest of ideas, ‘A Very Testing Time’ is exactly that. Episodes that caused considerable concern for those considerably concerned included;
spray-painting an elephant’s rear;
dressing cats in dolls clothes;
passing off pigs as babies in prams;
putting their parents into residential care;
starting a run on the Stock Exchange;
convincing an elderly relative that Christmas Day had been moved to a week in August;
starting up a start-up to close down their least favourite Burger chain;
lobbying their local elected representative for lost distance wrestling to be made an Olympic sport;
inventing a board game with no board and no rules;
entering a potty into an art exhibition;
using a random word generator to write an award-winning novel;
breaking into a top security prison;
entering and eventually getting a bronze medal for coming third in a mini-marathon without either of them leaving their bedroom-cum-studio;
advising a monarch to let the spare rooms in his palace be used as public storage facilities;
patenting a brand-new rip chord made especially for deep sea parachuting;
sponsoring a graduate through Law School with the express purpose of getting this graduate to sue themselves in court (the graduate subsequently lost but took the case to Appeal);
electronically influencing purchasing patterns for a range of television shopping channels;
starting (and ending) a new aesthetic movement;
using a 3-D printer to print a 2-D printer;
hiring a flash mob to comment upon the actual absurdity of the everyday as a philosophical concept;
commissioning a series of experimental short films based on the notion of liminality.
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The following is another extract from the soon to be released in paperback second volume of the Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero series, The Brothers Revoltable Travelling Circus and Other Crazy Fun with Special Guests.
Chapter 34 Billy Barone’s Pig and Chicken Treats Ltd©
Without really thinking too much about it Ellis and Davey ducked into the world-famous Billy Barone’s Pig and Chicken Treats Ltd© SnakShak that has stood on the edge of the Panic Two Park since a long time before even I was born.
Ellis had never tried any of the amazing products being offered, not because her parents had told her how bad they were for her but simply because she found the Billy Barone logo rather threatening. There was something about the cartoon pig holding hands with the cartoon chicken that made her feel slightly troubled. And she wasn’t the only one.
If it wasn’t for the fact that the company maintained a very high profile in Panic Town by supporting as many charities as it could afford and employing as many local people as possible, Billy Barone’s Pig and Chicken Treats Ltd © would have been run out of town a long time ago.
Originally, there was only one character designed to represent the Billy Barone empire, a chicken and pig-like hybrid homunculus called Mutt the Meat who, it was confidently believed by everyone involved it its design, would capture the hearts of generations of children and convince them to sample the full range of pig and chicken products on offer.
Sadly, however, the designing committee didn’t factor the character’s appeal to children into the design process and the finished character, complete with a long lantern jaw, straggly red hair jutting out at random from chin to crown, topped off with strangely hunched shoulders and an extremely irritating way of shouting ‘Come and Meet the Meat!’ in the advertisements on the television and radio, quickly became the stuff of nightmare and satire.
If children weren’t shouting ‘Come and Meet the Meat’ at each other in comic voices in playgrounds everywhere during intricate games that involved aliens, zombies and anything else considered unheimlich, then they were cowering under their beds in terror and begging for the soft toy version of Mutt the Meat they had just been given for their birthday to be buried at sea, burned in a field somewhere or dropped into an active volcano.
The damage to the company’s image was extensive and almost caused the Billy Barone Empire to collapse before it had had the chance to establish itself. Luckily, however, and just in the nick of time, someone came up with the idea of a children’s competition to redesign the character. It was a brother and sister called Jen and Shaky Shilling who submitted the winning designs.
Given the fact that the original character was so terrifying it was a stroke of childish genius to create two characters from it. Sadly, however, the genius didn’t stretch to the naming of the new characters and so Silly Chicken and Pig the Pig were born.
Straightaway a new softer image was created and even though the sight and sound of two glove puppets squawking and squeaking ‘Come and Meet the Meat!’ at each other wasn’t to everyone’s taste the company was saved and slowly began to expand again.
You only have to step into your local Billy Barone’s to really appreciate everything the have to offer the discerning fast-foodist. Walk through the front door and as you approach the counter look out for the sign inviting you to experience the Billy Barone Mega Meat Experience©.
As you thrill to the heady aroma of boiled chicken skin and pig bones why not marvel at the army of unhealthy-looking people shoveling Tasty Trotter Twists© into paper cones. If these are not to your liking, might I recommend the Packed Pig Parcels©, primed pieces of reconstituted pork stuffed with cheap blue cheese and chili flakes.
Or, if you have a fancy for something more poultry-esque, why not plump for the Double Stuffed Skins©, complete with a side of Billy’s Bestest Beans© and washed down with a glass of Billy Barone’s World Famous Chicken Water or Pig Fizz. (I’m not making this up – well I am but I’m not, if you know what I mean).
Volume One is available now in paperback.
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The following is an extract from Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero Volume: II
The Brothers Revoltable Travelling Circus and Other Crazy Fun with Special Guests
Chapter 26 ‘Thompson the Wonder Dog’
It took a while for the stage to be cleared after Agatha’s act. Fortunately a safety-net had been put in place in front of the stage so that no-one in the audience would get hurt but Captain Lorimer got some brick dust in her right eye and Falcon Boy’s ears wouldn’t stop ringing. Nevertheless, everyone marveled at Agatha’s death-defying bravery. She truly was a stranger to danger. Rudolph Revoltable gallantly used the rolled corner of one of his red silk handkerchiefs to get the dust out of Captain Lorimer’s eye. ‘Thank you very much,’ said the Captain and she blushed as red as the handkerchief even though she only had eyes for the daredevil Agatha.
‘You are very welcome, my dear,’ said Rudolph with a small bow. Falcon Boy saw this happen and hoped that someone would ask how he was. But no one did. ‘Probably because I’m a superhero’, he thought to himself. ‘We need to be tougher and more reliant upon self-reliance than everyone else.’
With the stage swept clean and the cannon removed the lights fell dramatically dim. Only a single spotlight could be seen in the middle of the stage. In the spotlight stood a small table and on the table was an old-fashioned gramophone player. From out of the darkness Rudolph’s bewitching voice floated on the night.
‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you are enjoying our preview so far?’ The crowd applauded again and Rudolph waited for it to end.
‘Some might say,’ he said rather dramatically, ‘that we have saved the best for last. Without further ado, I present to you all here and to all those watching at home, the wonder that is Thompson the Wonder Dog.’
A stagehand stepped into the spotlight leading a tired-looking Alsatian on a lead. He unclipped the lead and turned to the gramophone player. The stagehand lifted the lid and set the needle down. He turned the handle on the side. With the gramophone player fully wound the stagehand left the stage.
The speakers hissed and crackled as the old gramophone player started playing and the needle scratched the record. The music began. The sound of a single violin playing a slow and wobbly tune filled the night sky. After the first few bars Thompson lifted his head and joined in.
Hooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwlllllll!!!
Thompson the Wonder Dog made a truly terrible noise. He sounded something like what would happen if a strangled howl married a painful yelp and they argued all day. Even Davey Doodah winced and his relationship with a tune has always been a slight and occasional one.
Aaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhllllllllll!!!!
The old record kept turning and old Thompson kept singing.
Eeeeeeeeoooooooooooouuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
‘My oh my!’ said Ellis’s dad. ‘That is really awful.’
Ellis’s dad loved to shout things at the television. This really annoys Ellis’s mum, who says things like ‘They can’t hear you, you know.’ But this never stops Dad.
‘Go on, son,’ he shouted. ‘Let it out, you hear!! Let it all out!!’
Ellis and her mum were not so sure.
‘That poor dog can’t sing a note,’ said Ellis’s mum.
‘What dog can?’ replied Ellis with profundity.
‘Once more with feeling,’ shouted Dad and he started to accompany Thompson, giggling as he did.
‘Hoooooowwwwwwwllllllllll – hahahahahahahah’
‘You can pack that in,’ said Mum and threw a cushion at him. Dad packed it in.
Sadly, the same cannot be said for Thompson. He howled and wailed his way through another twelve minutes and twenty seconds of the song. Bewilder Bird felt an overwhelming urge to cry. Councillor Footswerve was worried that he would irrevocably fracture the façade of appropriate civic responsibility by wetting himself.
Hooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwlllllll!!!!
Eeeeeeeeeooooooouuuuuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeooooooooouuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwlllllll!!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooouuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeouuuuuuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwlllllll!!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeooouuuuuuuuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwlllllll!!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooouuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeeoouuuuuuuuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwlllllll!!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeooouuuuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwlllllll!!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeoouuuuuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Eeeeeeeeooooouuuuuuuuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwlllllll!!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooouuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooouuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwlllllll!!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooouuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooouuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwlllllll!!!!
Eeeeeeeeeoooouuuuuuuuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeooooouuuuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwlllllll!!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeoooooooooouuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeooooooouuuuuuulllllllllllllllllllllll !!!!
(If you think that this part of the story is getting hard to read then spare a thought for the poor people having to listen to the audio version of it. As for the film; well, I guess we’ll cross that wholly unrealistic bridge when we never ever come to it!)
Finally the record stopped and Thompson fell silent. The silence was deafening. Nobody clapped. Everyone was too stunned. Everyone, that was, except for Rudolph. He started to clap his hands. Now, whether it was embarrassment, desperation, guilt, delusion, or just plain and simple relief, everyone else started clapping as well. Everyone in the stadium. Everyone at home. Everyone. Including me.
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‘Books are a uniquely portable magic.’
Stephen King, On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft (1999)
Happy World Book Day!!!!
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Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero: Volume Two
The Brothers Revoltable Travelling Circus and Other Crazy Fun with Special Guests Chapter 23 ‘Good News and Bad News’
With all this talk of circuses and general media excitement it is easy to forget that not everyone is having a great time at the moment. For every one person excitedly waiting for the circus to begin there will be someone else who cannot wait for the day to pass into night. Take Pearly Stockwell, for example.
If you remember the last time we met Pearly Stockwell she was facing the prospect of extinction and this was a very sad thing for her and the Interesting Twins to have to contemplate. Well things have changed considerably since then and this is good news and bad news at the same time.
The good news is that the Pearly Stockwell Franchise has been bought out by the GMD Media Group and the adventure series has now started again online. The bad news is that GMD Media are the most cynical, money grabbing media group of all the most cynical money grabbing media groups. You only have to take a look at the New Adventures of Pearly Stockwell and the Very Interesting Friends to see what I mean.
Fearing that the public would be confused by the original concept of the Interesting Twins actually being three brothers, none of whom were twins, GMD Media have now rebranded them the Very Interesting Friends. Citing focus groups and customer feedback metrics GMD Media insist that this is making the franchise appeal to a brand new audience. If that wasn’t bad enough – and clearly it is – the New Adventures of Pearly Stockwell are far more dependent upon other adventures happening elsewhere than they are on anything now taking place in Fallstown.
For example, in Episode One, ‘Pearly Finds a New Market to Explore’, everyone’s favourite sassy child detective is forced through a series of unlikely coincidences to team up with four young reptiles called Mozart, Beethoven, Stravinsky and Rimsky-Korsakov who go by the name of the Kung Fu Terrapin Tots.
‘But I don’t see why we should work with them,’ grumbled Wes. ‘They ain’t so tough and don’t look up to much of nothing.’
‘Yeah,’ whined Windy. ‘How can they run fast wearing all those swords and masks and stuff?’
‘I don’t know,’ replied Pearly, ‘but judging by how things have been going recently for all of us I’m guessing that we might have to put up with them for a while yet.’
And she was right.
In Episode Two, ‘Where the Sewers Have No Name’, Mozart and Beethoven rescue Pearly from the sewers beneath Fallstown whilst Stravinsky and Rimsky-Korsakov battle a gang of street urchins. Wes does his best to join in the fight but considering that GMD Media want him to be less violent that he was previously so Wes now spends much more time trying to engage in constructive dialogue with potential foes than he does boxing their ears.
‘You know,’ he tells the closest street urchin who is attempting to hit him on the back of the head with a short plank of wood, ‘conflict isn’t always the best indicator of a successful future.’ Wes ducks at just the right time and continues. ‘Have you considered therapy or voluntary work? It would really help if you talked things over with a responsible adult.’
As usual Windy ran to fetch the authorities, only this time they were less than thrilled to have a panting child telling them what they should do.
‘We can no longer rely on the word of sweaty children who are out of breath,’ said Inspector Shickey. ‘This sends such a terrible message to the world.’ The Inspector got up from his desk. ‘From now on we will need all crime-related reports to be corroborated by at least one costumed crime fighter, preferably a reptile.’
Wanderley was still a master of disguise but now seemed to spend far more of his time disguised and far less of his time being crucial to any investigation. It is only at the very end of ‘Where the Sewers Have No Name’ that someone remembers to tell Wanderley that he no longer needs to be disguised as a rusty ladder that leads down into the sewers.
-

My name is Dr Butler F. Temple and I am the Reader in Remembered Histories in the School of Local Memory at the Hastings Institute. I have held this post since 1972. The post itself was created through the generosity of a local hotelier who bequeathed an endowment to the Institute in 1957 for the ‘hearing, telling and sharing of stories that mean something to someone and may in the future mean something else to someone else’. My areas of specialism include the memories of structures, spectral cartography, local legends and their reporting, and local occult geography, especially marshland, caravan parks and road signs. I have published several books including Local Holiday Camps, Their Position and Significance To The Romney Marshes (Lewes, Huntley Memorial Press, 1971),The Supposed and The Hinted-At (Battle, Battle Abbey Press, 1975), and Marshland and Memory (Crowhurst, Lockesley & Sons, 1979). I am currently working on an history of Hastings spiritualism and other occult activities, as well as annotating a new version of Cecil Mepham’s seminal self-published 1952 Oral History of the Hastings and District Amateur Association Football Leagues Between the Wars.
I am also the Editor-in-Chief of Intermediate Frequency, a barely-read academic journal devoted to what its founder, E.F. Turner, called ‘the serious study of ramblings and remembrances’. Critics, of which there is only a bare but hostile few, dismiss the journal and its occasional articles – being that the journal is a listing, limping annual publication – as time wasted spent trying to give a voice to the pointless and the pathetic. I prefer to think of the journal, and my field, as the ear that strains to hear the half-heard and the soon-forgotten.
My office is a small one but it does offer a splendid view of Hastings Station and the tunnel that runs through the hill. I am half-way through a monthly supervision with one of my few doctoral students.
‘Replace ‘esoteric’ with ‘less-considered’ and add a paragraph outlining the origin of this map.’ I look out to see the 12.34 heading out towards Bexhill and then onward to Eastbourne. We are trying to trace the provenance of three hand-drawn maps that detail the disputed route of a stream that used to empty into the smallest of the ponds in Alexandra Park. Once this is established, we should then be able to ascertain the truth about an argument that took place in 1956. Further, and should we manage this, we would then find ourselves closer to establishing the identity of one more of the customers who frequented a now-closed public house called The Welcome Stranger between 1951 and 1957. I am hopeful, as I always am, that this will eventually become an article in Intermediate Frequency. Not that its possible publication will be a guarantee of anything but at least it will help to fill another edition.
Lewis, my student, starts outlining his intentions for the chapter that will follow this one and as he does I recall something that someone told a reporter from the Hastings Observer in the aftermath of the Great Storm of 1987. High winds ripped huge trees from the ground and caused enormous damage across the area. A junior reporter was sent out to vox-pop the town and one Eleanor Smith, of Boscobel Road, St. Leonard’s-on-Sea, told him that she was woken by the gale ripping the roof off of her extension.
Thinking that the rest of her house would soon be destroyed she got dressed again and then went back to bed. ‘Just in case the Fire Brigade would need to rescue me,’ she told him. ‘I just thought it would be easier.’
My plan is to somehow link this to the report of a séance I uncovered in a newsletter published by the Hastings League of Spiritualists in January 1934. I found this newsletter in a larger pile of old papers that had been left in a suitcase I bought at a jumble sale in 1983. According to the report, Miss Dorothy Taylor, aged 68, held a regular gathering in her front room at 12 Alma Villas. On the occasion reported in the newsletter, Miss Taylor made contact with 8 year-old Lottie Harrison. Lottie had drowned in the rapid currents off of Hastings Pier in 1903 and told Miss Taylor that she still felt ‘cold and wet.’ The assembled members of the League reported their delight at the ‘childish’ tone of voice they heard coming Miss Taylor’s mouth. Sadly, however, Lottie had nothing else to tell the séance.
Eventually Lewis leaves. I hurry out of my office and down the stairs. Past the common room on the landing and out the side entrance onto Cambridge Road. I hurry up the hill towards the station. It begins to rain as I walk past the Harlequin Tearooms and wait before crossing the road. The traffic is quiet for a Wednesday lunchtime and for a moment I wonder whether there might have been an accident in the Budget-Saver car-park. They happen fairly often and tend to result in the single lane that leads off of the Memorial Roundabout becoming blocked. When this does happen, the number 14 and 32 buses cannot make their way across the junction between Station Road and Helenswood Way. This, in turn, means that the traffic lights on White Rock Hill will work through their programmed cycle without anyone being able to turn left.
I’m on the 12.33 train to Battle heading for the Senlac Book Fair and Pamphlet Auction. According to the catalogue, a first-edition of C.L. Chambers’s 1901 A Concise History of Snuffing and Other Local Tallowcentric Traditions (Oxford, Precise Knowledge Publishers) has appeared. This was a limited print-run of only 100 copies and most of this run has disappeared. I am so keen to get a copy that I forgo my regular lunchtime routine.
I am reading more Mepham. ‘The history of Hastings Wanderers is an interesting one. Formed in 1929 when Reginald Darvill left Bohemia Road Rangers after an argument at half-time regarding team selection. The Wanderers only managed three full seasons in Division VII before illness and emigration caused the club to not fulfill its remaining fixtures. As a result of this the club was expelled from all competitions. Darvill never managed another football team but when pressed was happy to admit that the Wanderers had been extremely unlucky to go out of the East Sussex Challenge Cup at the quarter-final stage.’
I stop reading. There is something about Mepham’s account that has always troubled me. The scores, league tables, final positions, team names, referees and sundry players all seem to tally with the information to be found in the archives of The Hastings Observer. So it isn’t an accuracy issue. Cecil Mepham himself was a respected League secretary who served with distinction. He was also Acting-Treasurer between 1935 and 1938. Nevertheless, there is something that doesn’t quite ring true about his account. I feel that I need to take this further and will have to take another look in the Observer archives. The train arrives at Battle and I start my walk up the hill to the town.
I have always found Battle to be an unfriendly place. Not in a direct and hostile way. More in the way where people will step out of your way only at the very last minute, just before they bump into you. Or the door of a shop almost closes in your face as someone enters before you. A creeping, universal and yet definitely local sense of almost-conflict. With the Senlac Tearooms on the right and the Abbey on my left, I head up the High Street. I have always fancied that the Battle of Hastings – which took place on the hill where the Abbey was built – should really be known as the Battle of Battle. Of course, this doesn’t account for anything other than personal whimsy. Nevertheless, the thought sustains me until I reach the Battle Auction Rooms.
The auction is taking place in the Douglas Douglas Room, named after another of the many local dignitaries who make a contribution to their community compelling enough to have a drafty room named after them. D. W. Douglas, the gentleman in question, owned some farmland in the area and was a founding member of the Battle Union for the Provision of Common Sense in Local Agriculture. He served as the President of this august institution from 1885 to 1904. By all the accounts that I have read, he was a bad-tempered snob who found it impossible to talk to his immediate neighbors and only made trips into Battle when he wanted to lodge another suit with the offices of his solicitor. I have also read that his death in 1919 literally divided the town, with mourners filing out of St. Martin’s Church on one side of the High Street as his many enemies were gathering at The Plough, an inn that can still be found opposite the church.
The auction is already underway and I have to stand right at the very back of the room. I lose the Chambers to a bid lodged by telephone which, in turn, our-bid another bidder on another telephone. The Chambers finally went for £300 even it was only expected to fetch £50 at the most. I was stunned by the fight and the price and decided to head back home.
‘After the Chambers, weren’t you?’ said a voice in my ear. ‘I fancied it also but couldn’t pay the price. Now I don’t have it you could say that I’m paying a further price.’
I turned to see an elderly lady leaning heavily on a walking frame. She smiled. ‘Couldn’t pay the price – now there’s a thing to say and mean’.
I smiled but didn’t reply. She continued to talk, as if this was the chance she had been waiting for. ‘Daphne Rogers is my name. I’m always looking for postcards and pamphlets, with the occasional leaflet thrown in for good measure.’
I smile again and offered my card. ‘Dr Butler F. Temple, Reader in Remembered Histories at the Hastings Institute.’
‘Ah, yes’, Daphne said. ‘You are also the editor of that never-read journal, aren’t you? Whatever is it called? Something Infrequently?’
‘That is perhaps what it ought to be called.’ I replied.
‘Indeterminate Tendency?’ Daphne continued, clearly warming to the task. I straightened slightly.
‘I’m sorry but I think you’ll find that journal is called Intermediate Frequency,’ I offered.
‘Well it would be, wouldn’t it,’ Daphne countered. ‘And what does it really matter anyway?’ I tried to not appear annoyed. ‘Anyway,’ Daphne smiled, ‘buy me a coffee and I’ll tell you how I can get you another copy of the Chambers.’
‘In 1972 two brothers, Joseph and Jeremiah Wisby were banished from their local parish church, St Bartholomew’s in Crowhurst village. It seems that they had fallen out with the congregation over an issue relating to tithes and the authenticity of hymnbooks. In a fit of radical pique, they formed a breakaway gathering that they christened the Chapel of the Blessed Happening. For the first two years, the Chapel gathered in an outbuilding behind Joseph’s farmhouse and the congregation comprised of themselves, their two wives, Jane and Millicent, and their elderly father, James. Joseph chose to ordain himself as the Chapel’s leader and their services stretched long into the afternoon. Joseph would give a weekly sermon which was often known to last for more than three hours. The sermons themselves were a dreary combination of fearful proselytizing laced with highly personal assaults on many of the local dignitaries and, indeed, anyone who had happened to upset Joseph. Needless to say, the Wisbys led a very solitary life and had little to do with anyone on the area.’ Daphne looked up from behind her coffee cup.
‘Then something very unusual happened. In September 1794 the Chapel of the Blessed Happening acquired new premises. It appears that one of the very few people who would actually speak to Joseph Wisby, a local publican named Mahoney, gave the brothers a large empty house on the edge of the marshland between Bexhill and Hastings. Nobody knows why Mahoney made such a strange but generous gesture to two of the most odious men in the area. Joseph sold his farm, both brothers moved into the house with their wives and the Chapel began to flourish. Joseph still delivered his by now-legendary sermons but the congregation steadily increased in size. Again, this was due in no small part to Mahoney who managed to convince a great many of his regulars that they should turn towards the teachings of the Chapel even though by doing so they were turning their back upon Mahoney himself.’
‘The same Mahoney who it was eventually discovered was having an affair with both of the Wisby wives’, I interrupted. ‘The Chapel ceased to exist when the house was destroyed by fire in 1803. Both brothers perished in the fire, along with Jane and Mahoney himself. Though Millicent survived, she was badly burned and spent the rest of her days in Bexhill.’
‘Of course’, said Daphne. ‘Everyone knows the story of the Wisbys and their Chapel but the question that you need to ask yourself, and I’m sure you already have, is what does my telling you the story of the Wisby brothers have to do with the other copy of the Chambers that I have located?’
Daphne placed her empty cup on the table and looked around. I think she was pausing for dramatic effect. It may have been because she was tired from the walk from the Auction Room down to the Battle Abbey Tearoom as well as the telling of the story. In any case, she didn’t let me reply. ‘One of the many things that Mahoney’s generosity allowed Joseph Wisby to do was to commission a series of paintings, scenes to be hung in the rooms of the house that Joseph used for his services. A local painter by the name of George Jenkins was commissioned to produce a series of scenes which, and I quote, ‘shall show the fearsomeness of the Devil and the meddle of his mischief on those who choose to sin.’
I smiled. ‘I’ve read about this in Osgood’s Lists of the Local and the Surrounding’, I said.
‘I should hope that you have’, Daphne replied. ‘Otherwise you wouldn’t be much of a reader, would you?’ I thought about replying but didn’t.‘What everybody seems to have overlooked is the way in which Joseph Wisby died.’
‘He perished in the fire trying to save his wife, didn’t he?’
‘That is how Osgood tells it.’ Daphne looked up.
‘However, a different source suggests that Joseph had died whilst entering the house for the third time. The first time he pulled his wife free but she was already dying. Then, he fought his way back inside to try and save his benefactor, Mahoney. Again, Mahoney died on the driveway. Despite the fact that Joseph was himself in a very bad way, our odious preacher fought his way into the burning house for a third and final time. This time, however, he didn’t come back. The following day the remains of his body were discovered in the ruins of the house.’
‘Yes, yes’, I said, beginning to get a trifle irritated. ‘It was all a tragic accident but the brothers were soon largely forgotten and the remains of the house were left as they were. Osgood outlines all this in his account. The Hastings Observer also supports this story. Trapped in the burning house, Joseph perished.’ I shrugged but Daphne wasn’t finished.
‘For someone who supposedly is interested in whispers and local secrets, you are being very narrow-minded. Joseph went back into the house for the third time to try and rescue the paintings he had commissioned. When the remains of the house were examined the next day it was discovered that despite the odds, two interior walls were relatively intact, enough for anyone to notice that they had once had five paintings hanging on them. Traces of three of the frames were found close by but nobody could account for the other two. In the general way that these local people behaved, nobody at the time gave it much thought. Even Osgood only devotes a sentence to their destruction.’
‘The five paintings ordered from Jenkins and hung on the walls of Wisby House perished along with their patron,’ I recited.
‘But what if they weren’t all destroyed? What if two of them survived the fire? Or, more to the point, were somehow saved from destruction by the dying Joseph?’ Clearly relishing the telling, Daphne smiled. ‘Wouldn’t that be a story?’ she declared. ‘And wouldn’t that be something for you to investigate?’
I cleared my throat. ‘But I am an academic, Madam. I’m not a detective.’
‘Is there really a difference?’ Daphne replied.
