Here is the next in the series of brief excerpts from Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets. If you would like to read more then please follow the link.

The winner of this year’s Is It Really Talent Time Again? was decided by the toss of a rather large novelty coin and following three fumbles, two miscalls and a power cut, Little Bernie Tiger pipped The Tumbling Tortoise Trio to the award.

Derk and Joddy Pepper are the brains behind The Tumbling Tortoise Trio, an act which sees Derk repeatedly tumbling three large tortoises down a children’s garden slide to land in a gold-painted bucket while Joddy wears a glittery dress, points at the bucket and looks on admiringly.

If you log onto The Tumbling Tortoise Trio Official Homepage™, http://www.tumblingtortoisetrio.org, you will see that the husband and wife team describe themselves as ‘Small Animal Holders, Intricate Spectacle Deliverers and Light Entertainment Exceptionalists’.

Sadly, appearing on television didn’t boost the appeal of The Tumbling Tortoise Trio in any way at all, but if you are organizing a social event and the entertainment lets you down at the last minute then I’m sure The Tumbling Tortoise Trio would be available to fill in at the shortest of really short notices. And I mean short.

For Little Bernie on the other hand, his winning song, Everybody Look at Me, has catapulted him to the very edge of the celebrity troposphere. As the song begins:

Everybody Look at Me

I’m a Real Celebrity

I Know I’m only Eight but I’m really Great

So Everybody Look at Me

At lunchtime in every playground across the land, you can barely move for small children forming a line and clapping in time as they sing the chorus to Everybody Look at Me. It goes like this… (but you knew that already!!)

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

I’m Great, I’m Great, I’m Really, Really Great

I’m Eight, I’m Eight, I’m Really Only Eight

Then, if you have any energy left, you need to do a floor drop followed by a high five with yourself before launching into the now infamous Tiger Rap.

I said I’m only Eight but I’m really Great

You think I’m Crooked but I’m Really Straight

I Jump Up High and I Dance All Night

And Me and My Friends We Never Fight

We Go to Every Party and We Have a Great Time

But the Way You all Dance is a Proper Crime

You Need to Take a Good Look and Copy Me

Make my Shapes and I Will Set You Free

See Me Go, Just Watch Me Move

I’m the Easy Slider, I’m the Super-Groove

On Every Dance Floor Across the State

I’m a Real Celebrity and I’m only Eight

Everyone agrees that this isn’t the last we have seen of Little Bernie Tiger.