For most people in Panic Town, the concept of twenty-four hour news meant exactly what it said. They imagined that presenters like Juniper had to present the news for twenty-four hours at a time.

As a result, these same people were permanently perplexed when they bumped into Juniper while they were walking down the street. Or shopping at a supermarket she had been invited to open. Entered a talent contest she was judging. Or looking in through the front window of her ground floor apartment as they just happened to be walking past.

‘Why aren’t you reporting the news?’ people asked when they saw her.

‘Shouldn’t you be on the television instead of standing in this queue?’ people would say as Juniper patiently queued to pay her television license at the Panic Town National Bank.

‘Who’s going to give me the latest celebrity gossip while you’re busy treating yourself to a week’s groceries?’ inquired the cashier in Food and Things, Panic Town’s most successful supermarket superstore.

Like almost all of some parts of the rest of the world, Panic Town had the choice of nearly twenty-seven television channels. Yet for most people, 123 Celebrity News was the only channel of choice.

123 Celebrity News was beamed, bounced, screened, recorded, streamed, downloaded, torrented, zipped, compressed, shared, copied, replayed, burnt, backed-up, archived, data-managed and saved for later all day every day so that Panic Town could gorge itself on celebrity news until it fell into an audiovisual stupor.

The breaking news this morning was coming live from the steps of the Town Hall and promised to be a celebrity feast like no other had ever been witnessed. It was guaranteed to revitalise even the most constipated of viewers.

‘Hi everyone, my name is Juniper Jarvis and I’m reporting live for 123 Celebrity News. I’m with that well-known bad guy and all-round celebrity super-villain, the legendary Dr Don’t Know.’

Hi Everyone

I am delighted to announce that after much pleading and cajoling I have finally been able to get permission from all those involved to serialize the adventures of everyone’s (?) favourite but fairly hopeless hero, Falcon Boy, as he fights to save the planet from the evil machinations of the infamous Dr Don’t Know.

Armed with only his determination to somehow make a difference (if at all possible) Falcon Boy, along with his silent sidekick, Bewilder Bird, resolves to take a stand on behalf of all that is worth taking a stand for – and some things definitely less stand-worthy.

For your delight and delectation Chapter One begins immediately after this announcement, so join me now for Volume 1 of the Falcon Boy: A Fairly Hopeless Hero series – Falcon Boy and Bewilder Bird versus Dr Don’t Know in a Battle for all the Life of all the Planets …

Chapter 1. Welcome to the Queue

You are too late. Nothing works anymore. The world has gone wrong. The planet still spins in space but forlornly now, sullen, lopsided; different somehow.

Everything is broken.

All the whole world does now is queue. Whole countries united in their queuing. Continents. The whole world. As far as the eye can see. Visible from space.

No one can remember a time before the Queue. Only the Queue. Now. And nothing else. Forever.

But no one cares. All they care about is the Queue. There is nothing else to care about. Only the Queue.

What a way to live your life. Being born. Growing up. Dying. All in the Queue. A life defined by waiting in line. Life after life after life. One after the other. Everyone in the Queue.

Forever. All you will ever know. Nothing more. Only the Queue.

The world is really rubbish now. Really rubbish.

Really, really rubbish.

So what has gone wrong?

Dr Don’t Know is what has gone wrong.

Dr Don’t Know?

The world’s greatest super-villain.

The world’s last super-villain.

Last?

Well, he won, didn’t he? His evil plan succeeded. And now the world looks the way he has always wanted it to.

His evil plan?

You had better come with me.