The wonders of modern technology, combined with a rather generous budget, mean that the set of Pop Watch now boasts an ever-changing virtual backdrop and as the theme tune fades for the start of today’s programme, Bright Diamond Davies is ‘standing’ on the surface of the Sun.

‘Here are we are once again, friends of mine from everywhere – Well how’s that, then? Ka-boooey! – and a massive, mad and massively mad welcome to this week’s Pop Watch.’

Camera One cuts to a close shot of Bright Diamond and he suddenly looks very, very sad.

‘I have bad news, my many friends, bad, bad news indeed.’ Bright Diamond pauses for effect and then continues sadly, ‘the worst news that you will ever have the misfortune to hear.’

Cut to Camera Two as the lights dim and Bright Diamond’s face is caught in a haunting spotlight. He sighs.

‘I’m sorry to have to be the one who has to tell you this but…’

Bright Diamond is a master of manipulation and this particular moment to milk is a moment to milk unlike any other moment milked in the history of milked moments.

‘We…

Are…

Only…

Joined…

Today…

By…

Those…

Happy…

Dappy…

Popsters…’

He pauses a final tiny time

‘Doodah!!!!!!!!!!!

Well how’s that, then? Ka-boooey!’

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